Delicious Thanksgiving Meat Travesty

There's a quote by Nietzsche that says "If you stare into the Abyss long enough the Abyss stares back at you." It's the first thing that I thought of when confronted with this culinary abomination, unleashed to destroy Thanksgiving and all of Mankind in one, epic calorie deathstrike. Ladies and Gentlemen - the TurBacon Epic.

Via geekologie.com, it consists of: "a 20lb pig stuffed with an 8lb turkey, 6lb duck, 4lb chicken (not from can), a cornish hen and quail, bacon croissant stuffing and ten pounds of wrapped bacon between layers, glazed with 6lbs of butter and 2 liters of Doctor Pepper and garnished with a bunch of Baconator cheeseburgers"

That screaming you can hear? That's your heart, when it hears about the grand total of 79,046 calories and 6,892 grams of fat.

What hell hath we wrought?

BEST OF ROCHESTER!

Geva Comedy Improv Hey peeps. Don't forget to vote for GCI in City Newspaper's BEST OF ROCHESTER - voting ends this Friday!

http://www.rochestercitynewspaper.com/

National Holiday

Aaah, Columbus Day. Since I was a wee child, this holiday has delighted me because it was the first school holiday of the year. That, and my mom always scheduled me to have my teeth cleaned on this day. There's nothing like the taste of flouride. I digress...

But as I've grown older, I find it odd that we honor a man who discovered this country accidentally, and began the annihilation of an entire group of indigenous people. Now, don't call me un-American; I love paid days off just like the rest of my country. I just think we should be more careful about who/what we honor on our calendar.

My suggestion? Erase the Columbus Day holiday, and REPLACE it with MANY holidays that honor things that are ACTUALLY awesome.

Add these new holidays to your calendar for 2011:

January 3rd shall now be National Richard Simmons is Awesome Day! Richard Simmons, you ask? Why? WHY? WHY?!??! If you have ever seen this video, you understand why:


I rest my case. Next holiday:


February 15th is Bonobo Monkeys Day. Why? Because Bonobo monkeys are the hippies of the monkey world. They do the horizontal polka to say hello, goodbye, and to solve disputes. I kid you not. I watch animal documentaries A LOT. We should be more like them.


March 31st shall now be National Golden Girls Day. Dorothy, Rose, Sophia and Blanche have brought so much joy and laughter to the world, while tackling real-life issues. Everyone deserves to take the day off and watch Lifetime reruns, and soak in the valuable life lessons. Thank YOU for being a friend!


April 11th is now Celebration of the Best Food on the Planet Day- Pierogies!!! It's a combination of some of the tastiest foods on the planet: potatoes, pasta, cheese, and butter. You may not live a long life on an all-pierogie diet, but damnit you'll live a happy one. I triple dog dare you...


July 5th...Billy Joel Day! He's the best. This piano man loves me just the way I am, and when I hear his voice it sounds like a river of dreams. You get the picture.

With a face only a mother could love, call me Momma.


August 16th...Cotton Day! Come on, where would you be without cotton? You'd be naked. So would your neighbors. Let's be honest, silk is too expensive. Aren't you glad that cotton provides the fabric to keep strangers clothed? Let's celebrate the glories of cotton and it's cheapness!


And finally, to show everyone that American holidays don't HAVE to be all about America, September 13th shall be British Humor Day. Take the day off and watch some of your favorite British comedies. My personal favorite is Monty Python and the Holy Grail.



Ni!


Well, now you know where my priorities lie. What holidays would you add?

~Dani

WORLD OF BOOM

Greetings, World of Boom fans (or Boomadillos, as you will henceforth be dubbed). Season VIII is here, and in honor of the onstage pyrotechnics, allow me to kick off the new series with this footage of an Amazing Race contestant taking a watermelon to the face at incredible speed. Proof that your watermelon ballista is not a toy. Enjoy!

Danielle Erway forgets how to Blog: Frantically Emails GCI Cast

(GCI PRESS) ROCHESTER NY - In a bizarre turn of events, GCI castmember Danielle Erway has completely forgotten how to post on the GCI blog. In an email recently obtained from the GCI listserver, Erway stated the following:

"HEY! Is it just me being stupid or can no one else blog on the website? I need help...more so than usual."

After receiving no response for 3 days, Erway sent the following email:

"And did anyone get my email about the blog? Why can't I do it anymore? Someone help me or I will throw myself into the Genesee!"

Fearing she may actually follow through on her threat to submerse herself in the mighty river of Silver Nitrate (Thanks Kodak), an anonymous GCI cast member created this blog post in an effort to prove that the blog is indeed fully functional and operational, and to publicly ridicule Erway for her lack of knowledge and understanding of the world-wide interwebs.

All attempts to contact Erway for a comment have proven to be too technologically advanced for her to comprehend them. A pony express rider has been summarily dispatched and we will continue to update you on the status of this story over the course of the next 8-10 days.

Hi GCI Buddies!

It is my summer vacation! This is very exciting! However, I don't have very much money to spend on lavish trips and caviar massages. What's a gal to do? Work out until you pass out I say! It's cheap and I'll be able to consistently wear the clothes that I spent all my money on. (We are getting personal! Do you feel it?)

I will be working out to this video not because I am sad, but because it's very obviously THE BEST.

"This is JAMMIN!" - Diane Horner (Country Hip Hop Instructor, Hero, Incredible Dresser)

Happy Summer!

Nicole

GCI's Fantasy Fantasy League Draft... ROUND 3

TR chose Legolas, the hottest, quasi-androgynous, pointy-eared shim ever to grace the middle-earth with his soft, baby hands. In TR's defense though, legolas does have some sweet bow skills (and vulptuous, angelic lady-lips).

Next up, and we all realize how unorthadox this is (but Liam's mom said we had to let her play), is the only woman who participated in the draft (Dani refused to be a part of it because of "spiritual differences," she threatened to kill anyone who even metioned the league in her presence). But, I guess if Peter Jackson can develop a vaguely-sexual female story-line/love-plot in the middle of Tolkien's phantasmic, homo-erotic epic, than we can humor Nicole while she attempts to play with the big boys (READ: huge dweebs).

Here is Nicole's pick, Susan B. Anthony would be proud.

Coming Soon to Geva Comedy Improv

In preparation for their full-length improvised fantasy epic show in June, GCI has created a cinematic movie trailer. We hope you love it in the face as much as we do.



Show info:
Geva Comedy Improv
June 25th and 26th
7:30pm
Tickets - $10

Location: Geva Nextstage

Tix: gevacomedyimprov.org

Bangladeshi King Kong

I've already blogged about Turkish Star Wars, so it's clear my cinematic loyalties lie with the drug-fueled lunatic fringe of film-makers. In their honor then, allow me to present you with this 'trailer' for Banglar King Kong. I say 'trailer,' because this might actually be the whole film. It's particularly telling that a piece of cinema has plunged off the deep end of reality when the dance sequences are the most realistic part of the film.

Special moments to look out for include:

1:15 - The dude dressed like a cabaret musketeer defeats his foes in a fist fight involving no actual physical contact.

1:32 - Gratuitous snake action.

1:45 - A song clearly dedicated to the noble banana.

2:03 - The Fancy Musketeer uses the deadly hurricane attack on a horde of natives.

3:19 - Cardboardtopia is ravaged beyond the aid of superglue and tape.

ROUND 2 of GCI's: Fantasy Fantasy League Draft

So, Ted was eliminated from the Fantasy Fantasy League pool because he is a damn dirty Harry Potter lover... and he's a super dweeb. Harry Potter has no place in this fantasy league. Harry Potter is to Fantasy Fantasy as pee wee football is to the XFL. You don't see Aragorn crying to his potentially gay professor or Madmartigan wetting his pants because of a "highly dangerous game of quidditch." And seriously Harry Potter, you have a friggin' cloak that makes you invisible and it didn't even once, for a split second, occur to you to go into the gryffindor locker room... how noobish is that?!?

Anyway, Ted is gone. We checked his notes, and his next pick was Nanny McPhee, so I think we're better off. Next up is TR, let's hope he gets things back on track.

Cheeeheeeck it out:

A New Type of Fantasy League

After a grueling 10 seconds of comprehensive research on wikipedia, Geva Comedy Improv discovered that in 2007, over 29.9 million people participated in some type of a fantasy sports league. "Fantasy Sports is estimated to have a $3–$4 Billion annual economic impact across the sports industry" says wikipedia.

After this discovery, GCI's highly qualified team of innovation managers and SFPA (Sports for the Physically Awkward) experts went to work immediately to come up with the next big hit in fantasy game play. It was Liam, who is considered leader of the nerds for his unique ability to fraternize with "normal people," who had the fantasy league money shot:

"What if we developed a fantasy league that was more accessible to people like us; people who don't know who Labron James is or what side of the field he stands on, people who think an immaculate reception is related to a person's midi-chlorian count, people who aren't completely sure what the female anatomy 'really' looks like... Let's create a new fantasy league where WE are the experts, where WE know the stats, where WE are the heroes! To each of you I bequeath the power of Elrond, Lord of Rivendell, the power to draft a fellowship, to reforge Narsil, and to change fictional history forever! We shall call this new league... 'Fantasy Fantasy!'"

The GCI cast responded with a resounding "KAIYAAAA!!!" and from that point on it was magic. No, seriously. Literally, magic occurred. TR started doing magic tricks. It was probably the nerdiest sequence of events that has ever taken place anywhere...

Anyway, please enjoy the first installment of our new fantastical rotisserie:

GCI's FANTASY FANTASY LEAGUE DRAFT


Oh, and come to our shows:
June 25th and 26th @ 7:30pm
The Geva Nextstage
$10
www.gevacomedyimprov.org

TOO HOTT TO... EMPLOY!?!?

JUNE 4th, 2010
NEWS BULLETIN: CITIBANK FIRES MILF

Apparently, Citibank has just unlawfully fired a woman because she was "too hott." Now, of course, Citibank denies this claim but after some in-depth research I am inclined to believe this self-described "normal woman," as I'm sure a jury of horny teenagers will no doubt agree...

Exhibit A


Exhibit Beeehhoooobs

QUOTE HER LAWYER: "All it came down to was, 'We don't want to deal with you, because you're just too good looking.'"

I'm not here to place blame, but I think it's fairly obvious that Citibank employee's "distractions" are not at all their fault. Take for example these comments that were secretly recorded at Citibank's office while Ms. Lorenzana happened to stroll by wearing "designer" clothes:

"Hey Jack, any update on the jaa.... HOOO MY GOD, I JUST STAPLED MY HAND TO THE FAX MACHINE!!!"

"I knew I shouldn't have worn sweat pants on casual Friday..."

"Boobs."

And, here is some footage caught on a Citibank surveillance camera:



This is just down right despicable. I mean geeze lady, how do you expect grown men NOT to act like they are just starting puberty? 'I can't help it that I have curves,' Lorenzana told the Daily News. 'And I'm not going to go eat and gain 50 or 100 pounds because my job wants me to be the same size as everyone else.' Ummm... I think you just answered your own question there Ms. Lorenzana.

This whole situation brings up a very important question that I truly believe is burning a hole in the mind of all the good-hearted GCI fans out there: Why do I, Ted Limpert, still have my job?!?! I mean seriously, I never hesitate to flaunt my bodacious curves and chasm-like cleavage around the office. My co-workers are always complaining that I am the source of constant distraction and they can't look away when I bring a banana for lunch or have my daily afternoon popsicle.

Exhibit A


Exhibit BEEEE-UTIFUL!


You can't expect me to just go out and gain 50 or 100 pounds so I look like everyone else, and I refuse to stop wearing women's designer clothes! In the words of the ancient Greek philosopher Plato "It's my hott body, I do what I want."

So, on behalf of super sexy, dangerously vivacious employees everywhere I send my support to Ms. Lorenzana in her battle against Citibank. It will be an uphill battle, it will be a long and haaarrr..... HOOOO MY GOT I JUST STAPLED MY HAND TO MY LEG!!!!

Liam and John Eat the Foods

This past Saturday Liam and I went to KFC to try the new Double down sandwich. For those of you that don’t know, the Double down is a sandwich consisting of bacon, cheese, and mayonnaise sauce, with fried chicken breasts filling in for the role of the bread (!!!). Now, I gotta say, I love the concept of this sandwich based on balls alone. I can’t help but fantasize about it’s creation: Late night, after the KFC corporate Christmas party, Jerry walks into the lab hammered with a sketch he’s been working on. He wakes up in the morning ashamed and fearing for his job after the copy machine incident from the night before; when he looks down to see his salvation. Jerry runs to his boss’s office carrying his new ‘sandwich’, saving his job. They kick around names, with the leaders being the “Aorta No More-ta” and the “Take That, Colon!!”. Jerry’s boss decides to get twice as many people in the office pitching names, to “double down” their efforts. And just like that, we have a new American classic. I would like to salute you KFC. But first I have to salute anyone who plans on being a heart surgeon in the future; You’re gonna have your hands full…

An Open Letter to Christina Aguilera

Christina Aguilera, put on your pants young lady!

Christina (or Xtina?), there is no denying your phenomenal voice. Your voice is very large which is surprising because you are very little! It is a bit frightening! I know this, because I went to see you live and you scared me a little (Editor’s note: You scared me a lot) because your speaking voice is soft, but when you belt out, you melt faces! My face was one of them. This is not what one would expect out of a small, blonde lady. Ms. Aguilera you are indeed talented.

Having said that, I do not understand this video you got going on here. What the hell is this? You do not need to wear PVC boots. Between you and me (and the GCI community) you can really sing as compared to your contemporaries (love you Britney, but girl, you know you can’t sing). That’s your calling card, your majestic unicorn voice. Let Gaga be Gaga (living performance art that is freaky but lovable). Let Madonna be Madonna (Demanding your attention AT ANY COST, but also lovable). You just be Christina Aguilera, not Xtina. Don’t crawl on the floor and lick up that milk. Stop dancing in that church. Leave that nice tied up lady alone.

Christina Aguilera, put on your pants young lady!

Respectfully yours,

Nicole

Lightning Bold, Lightning Bolt, Lightning Bolt!

Who has no nose, spider fingers, a distaste for gay wizards, and wants to filibuster the hell out of financial reform?

This guy.

That's right, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is getting into politics. I know, because I saw this on the back of someones car.

I can only assume that his presence on the Republican ticket is another attempt to rally the party. It seems that republicans are looking to hit all angles, Sarah Palin reaches out to moose hunters and snowmobile owners, Glenn Beck reaches out to crazy people, and now Lord Voldemort will attempt to garner support among stay-at-home moms and super nerds all accross the country.

Whatever happens, I'm going to start practicing my incantations, in case there's a showdown. I mean, I don't want to get owned by Draco Malfoy, that kid is a huge tool.
Expelliarum Lightning boltus!

Whooooooooo's in the hoooouse?

Hello all,

Welcome to my first blog post. I am your fashionably late host, Dani. I was introduced to a video today and it made me laugh so hard I had to pass it on. Some of you may have seen it, the girl who was in the video was such a hit on Youtube that she became a guest on the Ellen Degeneres Show. All I can say is that, if this is what getting your wisdom teeth out is like, SIGN ME UP!!

www.youtube.com/v/AvLbPdBQupE&hl=en_US&fs=1&rel=0">

JZ's Unsolicited Advice Column: Travel Edition

Hey everybody, John here. As the “Spring-Break” season dawns on us once again, people begin making plans for the annual exodus from where we live to warmer, more booze-soaked locales. Nothing says “goodbye winter” like having a big guy forcibly pour tequila down your gullet while loudly blowing a whistle. However, even the best planned vacation can go astray; especially if you make the wrong moves in a foreign country. In the interest of helping our readers avoid run-ins with the federales, and not become unwitting drug-mules, I offer JZ’s tips for traveling abroad:

Tip #1: Pack smart – When going to another country, one never truly knows what one will encounter. While this provides a certain level of uncertainty, a smart traveler can stack the deck in their favor by bringing helpful items on each of their trips. These items include: granola bars, a water bottle, a flashlight, a hand pumped water filtration system, a passport, a phony passport with a different name, a decent suit for court appearances, a set of brass knuckles*, a fake mustache, bribe money, and a comfortable pair of shoes.
*(Brass Knuckles are outlawed in the United States as a “concealed weapon”. However, they are great for foreign travel…. because they’re so easy to conceal)
Packing the right items can prepare you for several contingencies or, worst-case, provide you with stuff to trade for a trip home.

Tip #2 : Let ‘em know where you’re from – If there’s one thing people abroad are impressed with, it’s the land of cowboys and movie stars. It is because of this international idolization that it’s important you let everyone know that you are American, and therefore subject to preferential treatment. It’s important to educate people on your American-ness when you are cutting in a line or yelling at a cabbie that doesn’t speak English, for example. One caveat to “dropping the A bomb” is, if done in Europe, it must immediately be noted that we saved/ kicked their country’s sorry ass in WWII.

Tip #3: Avoid blood sausage – Picture a sausage. Now take out all the meat. You still have all the spices, maybe tiny bits of minced onion, and some other sausage-y flavors. Now where there was meat, put…scab. That’s right! A big, warm, wet scab!!! Why they eat this in other countries is beyond me. I guess it’s a throw back to the old days when every part of the animal was used to gross out Americans.
Now, I’m a relatively adventurous eater. On the trip where I tried blood sausage I also ate cow thymus (Sweet Breads) and would do it again, ‘cause it tasted good. Not the blood sausage though. It didn’t even taste that bad, it was just bland. However, the texture, coupled with the fact that you are basically eating a clotting mechanism… eugh.

Those three tips should be a good start. And remember, you’re on vacation, live it up! Expand your horizons, do things you wouldn’t normally do. Normally have drab tastes? Wear something flashy. Normally an introvert? Try karaoke. Are you usually a buttoned down, boring decision maker? Rip off a bunch of bikers for their meth money, join an underground yakuza fight club, mix it up!!

THE ROBOT APOCALYPSE IS COMING!!!

JAPAN!?!? Cool your effin' jets!! A robot that can mimic facial expressions?! SERIOUSLY!? Why would anyone EVER need this? EVER!?! Do the Japanese not watch movies?! Don't they know that as soon as Will Smith is too old to fight robots, we're all screwed?!

I propose new regulations for Robotic construction. Robots msut only have one (1) leg for limited mobility, and there must be a large button on their back that, when pressed, causes them to explode. And NEVER, ABSOLUTELY NEVER, under any cirsumstances will robots be made waterproof or given the ability to fly...

When the robot apocalypse arrives, my stock holdings in the super soakers corporation will finally pay off.

This video made me vomit. Human or... killing machine that doesn't like to be poked in the face?

After Brief Quest Ted Finds Twix

For the past few improv practices, due to the absence of twix in the new company vending machine, Paul Nellis has been raging like a dinosaur in heat. "There have been a lot of neck snaps" said Nick DiCola, commenting on how Nellis' mood has effected practice. John Zaffino squeaked "I'm just so scared," and ducked as a fake brick zoomed by his delicate face. "I don't know, he's always like this" declared Nicole Baccanti, GCI's Lady Gaga expert and "reality-check" officer.

With all this suffering, something had to be done. Local heartthrob, and pre-teen celebrity, Ted Limpert decided to take it upon himself to solve this disaster. The answer was obvious; it was time for a quest. A quest to cure the rage-riddled Paul Nellis. A quest not unlike one where the only antidote grows on a plant that just so happens to only be located on the rocky cliff-face of broken-glass-volcano-mountain. Ted gathered his things and set off not knowing what lied ahead, or if he would ever see his friends again...


"It took me about 20 seconds" Limpert declared, with a charmingly indifferent shrug, upon his surprising return. "It took me about 20 seconds to find. I walked down a few stairs and there was another machine that had twix in it." Paul's rage was calmed only for a few moments as he ravaged the twix and then proceeded to fall asleep. "He's my hero" proclaimed DiCola. "You know, he's not just devilishly handsome, he's complex, he can do stuff too" swooned Liam Scahill and Danielle Erway in unison.

Another crisis averted, another grown-up-child saved. Thank you Ted Limpert may you fly high on the wings of an eagle and continue to watch over this fair city.

Paul Nellis views new vending machine with fewer options at Geva as great injustice.

An irate Paul Nellis arrived at Improv practice Monday evening twiddling an unused one-dollar bill. "What the happened to the vending machine upstairs?" he asked before launching into an irate tirade. "There's no Twix in the machine! And we've traded bottles of Pepsi for cans of Coke! WTF?!?!?"

Cast member Danielle Erway attempted to soothe the rattled Nellis by pointing out that the new vending machine is cheaper, but Nellis could not be swayed. "I tried to tell him how cool the machine is. It's totally out of the '70's. He usually likes retro stuff," she commented later.

Shortly after his rant, Nellis disappeared and returned with a can of A&W Root Beer and some Reese's Peanut Butter cups.

The Weather Report from Ted

The temperature change is making me sick... literally, disgusted. I will pardon mother nature, but could downtown buidlings get with the program and turn down the thermostat. Come ON! I'm sweatin' my balloons off in here.

Nightmares come to life! Thanks Usher!

Fact: I once stayed under the table at Chuck E. Cheese for the duration of an entire birthday party because I was frozen with fear from the anamatronic robots. Obviously if they sang Usher, I would have been on that table dancing...at 3. Please enjoy the video and most importantly, enjoy your nightmares.

WORLD OF BOOM

Today's World of Boom celebrates two of my favorite things - Lego and lightsabers. Dear Science, when will we get lightsabers? Cuz it's been ages since we heard about them, and yet do we have even one working prototype? Get your head out of your cure for cancer, and FIGURE IT OUT. Ahem. Sorry. Anyway, the video:

Age Discrepency Results in Call to Action!!

Hey all, JZ here with some big news. As you may have heard, I recently found out that reading isn’t just for the weak and the dateless. This discovery lead me to a series of books that is well written, fast paced, action packed, and fun. The only down-side to this book series is that it’s intended for sixth-graders… The books are the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series, and my unabashed enjoyment of them has lead to a revelation: It’s ok to be a man-child!! While I’ve known I was a man-child since childhood, I always thought it was just something to be tolerated; like restless leg syndrome, or a beard. I have come to the realization, however that my fascination with televised violence, car chases and fart jokes is to be embraced. It is because of this realization that I have decided to start an organization: The Intrepid League of Man-Children, or the ILMC. The slogan is En El Ridiculum, Fructus. Which means In The Ridiculous, Enjoyment. We shall endeavor to partake in noble pursuits; such as learning to sword fight, watching Death-Race, and going on waterslides drunk!
I have to admit, the name of the organization is a bit of a misnomer, as women are perfectly welcome to join. All you need is an unashamed enjoyment of things that productive adults in society look down their boring noses at! We are currently taking recruits of all skill levels, so contact us at our Facebook account to sign up!

The Marriage Ref OR Catching A Glimpse Of What Hell Looks Like

Nothing makes me more physically ill than reality television. If I even catch a glimpse of anything hosted by Regis Philbin or Ryan Seacrest I die a little inside. My own personal hell would be watching a group of skeletons clamoring incessantly, trying desperately to become Paris Hilton's new bff, while engaged in an eternal dance battle with Danny Bonaducie and the situation, all the while being judged by David Hasselhoff, Kathy Griffin, and some random british asshole.

That in mind, I recently decided to watch the pilot episode of Jerry Seinfelds new show "The Marriage Ref." Needless to say I went in with low expectations. Extremely low. So low in fact that I would have been perfectly satisfied with being disgusted.

Instead it was like watching an ambulance crash into an orphanage on Christmas. I have never been so afraid. Jerry Seinfeld and Tom Papa took my brain out of my skull, flattened it out, and wore it as a bib while they giggled and skipped around like two little girls at a make believe tea party.

If you must know, the show is about Tom Papa (a relatively unknown nobody) and a panel of B-list celebrity 'experts' adjudicating the most ridiculous, blatantly scripted, marital disputes. However, if anyone asked me to describe this show in real life I would simply say "it's bad... really bad."

The whole time I was hoping to get some sort of respite from the celebrity guest panel --Alec Baldwin from 30 Rock, a glimmer of hope-- but there was none to be had. Baldwin seemed like an abused animal at a corporate circus, "fact checker" Natalie Morales was silently screaming "WHY?!", and Kelly Rippa proved that you can put lipstick on a pig but everyone knows it's still just Kelly Rippa. No one was even telling jokes, they were all just yelling and cackling at each other. It was like I was in a hot tub full of witches and I couldn't get out...

In the end my pain was all for naught. I was asking for it. I could have shut my computer and ran, but I didn't, I stayed in that hot tub and let those evil witches have their way with me. You win Jerry Seinfeld, you win. I watched your stupid show and reinforced for you the fact that you can do whatever the hell you want. I don't have a bajillion dollars and I don't have a tv sitcom named after me, all I can do is seek refuge in the self-aggrandizing glory hole that is the blogosphere. I'm gonna go cry and post my feelings on twitter.

The OK GOs need a real job...

Proving that yes, there ARE people out there with more time on their hands than us, the band OK Go have unleashed this video for their song, "This Too Shall Pass". I mean, c'mon - don't you have errands to do? Laundry to pick up? Taxes to audit? Where can I find a job that lets me sing and knock stuff over, to critical acclaim? Sigh. Back to my stupid life.

Also, this video rules. You go, OK Gos.

Cooking with Scookle

I could cook other things, but I mean, I really care a great deal for steak.

Broiled Montreal Seasoned Sirloin with Sauteed Baby Portabellas and Green Beans

-Wash your filthy hands
-Set broiler on low
-Tenderize steak...don't worry it likes it
-Rub steak with Montreal seasoning to taste(basically salt, black and red pepper, garlic, and paprika. You can also just buy this in the spice section of a grocery store)
-After the rub cover the steak with olive or basting oil
-In a large, hot frying pan brown steak on either side (bout two min a side)
-Line a cookie sheet with foil and coat the foil with the olive or bastin oil. Transfer steak to sheet and place in broiler.
-Cook until desired temperature, flipping occasionally
-When steak is about five min from done start the portabellas: Place pan on high heat, add a tbls. of butter. When butter is melted add the washed portabellas. Spinkle with cayenne pepper to taste.
-Turn heat down to med. and stir occasionally. When steak is done, so are the mushrooms.
-At some point during all of this cook some green beans. I just put a frozen bag of them in the microwave right after I start the portabellas.

I paired this meal with one or five Genny's.



Hope you enjoy,
Scookle

Isn't Tom Cruise Shorter Than a Midget?

Tonight it was brought up in discussion that the movie "Legend" is better than "Willow." I don't know much for sure except that The Beatles are better than The Monkeys, the Dodgers are never coming back to Brooklyn, and "Willow" is a better movie than "Legend," a MUCH better movie. "Legend?" Weak sauce. Unicorns? Lord of Darkness? Some Lord, he gets killed by a bunch of mirrors. "Oh no, don't stab me with your magical unicorn horn!" In "Legend" Tom Cruise stars as "Jack," a forest recluse. Really? A forest recluse? Well when he is done playing with Christopher Robin in the 100 Acre Wood, maybe he can step his hero game up and come play with the big boys in "Willow." Val Kilmer stars in "Willow" as "Madmartigan," and in case you didn't know he is the greatest swordsman that ever lived...recognize. "Willow" made more money, was nominated for more Academy awards, it's funnier, it has little people, pocket sized people, a two headed dragon, and oh yeah...death dogs.

Terminator takes groin kick in his stride...

Temporarily distracted from his time-bending quest to assassinate John Connor, a Cyberdyne T-101 Terminator takes a moment to shrug off an atomic nut-buster kick to his fun-zone. Said the polymetal endoskeleton following the devastating assault, "I need your clothes, your boots, your motorcycle, and some ice packs," before retiring to a dressing room and breathing heavily into a brown paper bag for the next 2 hours. World of Boom policy usually restricts the awarding of medals to cybernetic killing machines, but in this case, you sir, have earned yourself the World of Boom Impervious Titanium Junk Cup. God speed, brave silicon eunuch. Footage below:

Cyber Team Omega: Secretly Protecting GCI from itself since 2005

I received the following email today to the GCI email account. To the untrained eye, this clearly appears to be SPAM mail; to those of us in the GCI inner circle, well, we know better: ----------------------------------------------------------------- re Mcgee1941 [Mcgee1941@gmx.net] Sent: Monday, February 08, 2010 3:22 PM To: Geva Comedy Improv Attachments:

Hey, some jerk has posted your pictures (u understand what kind of pictures are there) and sent a link of them to all ur friends. I have already replied back. Said, that he is an idiot. See the link: (LINK REMOVED FOR SECURITY PURPOSES) Royal Mcgee ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Back in March of 2005, GCI began to compile a portfolio of photos (u understand what kind) and then hired a crack-team of cyber experts (Cyber Team Omega) to troll the inter-webs in the event our security measures fail and some dubious mastermind (a.ka. jerk) sends a link of said pictures to all of our friends. Empowered by an initiative called "The 14th Protocol", any such security breach requires the agents of Cyber Team Omega to: "...once breach is confirmed, reply immediately back to the link and inform the individual that he/she is an idiot. Recap the sequence of events (in 40 words or less), include the masked link (for security purposes) and identify your post via the official GCI list of approved code names, document VUF-198765..." Well done Cyber Team Omega Agent Royal Mcgee - well done indeed. Your diligence and loyalty will be rewarded. Proceed to drop location 306-A.

Natural (Devastating?) occurrences brought on by Nick's literary whim!

Have you heard the news? Do you know what the going's on in the Pacific Ocean are? The signs are all there. GIANT SQUIDS. Giant squids are taking over the waters off the coast of California. I find this quite remarkable. It may be a little known fact that my childhood ran wild in California and like the classic Eagles' song, Hotel California says, "You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave." These lyrics help to illustrate my deep connection's role in the onslaught of Giant squids...

Not more than a week ago, the same time the squids were first spotted, I began reading Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters, by Jane Austen and Ben H. Winters (The same authors as JZ's recent read Pride and Prejudice and Zombies).

Is the presence of these Giant Squids a coincidence, or do I now inadvertently control forces of nature based on my literary interest at that moment. I still have quite a few chapters ahead of me and we shall see if the "sport" of hunting these peaceable creatures will go unpunished? I will keep you in the loop and with a swish and quirt of ink, I am out.

Check this link for details!

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/northamerica/usa/7132890/Giant-squid-invade-California.html

Paul Nellis ruins "Almost, Maine" for old lady sitting next to him.

Let me start by saying that this was a wonderful play, potentially the best I've seen at Geva in my 7-year tenure.

Anyways, I began my theatre-going experience somewhat annoyed by the obnoxious theatre etiquette of the Rochester audience.  People kept coming in late, jostling the seats, and distracting me from the thoughtful performances on stage.  Near the end of Act One, however, something happened that changed me and ruined the show for the old lady sitting next to me.

Something caught me eye from across the house.  I looked over just in time to witness a playbill falling from the balcony down into the orchestra section.  As it clobbered a permed coif of dark hair, I looked up just in time to see a classy yet embarrassed woman nervously looking to her left and right, and then covering her face in her hands.  Yes, the woman in the balcony had DROPPED HER PROGRAM OVER THE BALCONY AND IT HIT SOMEONE ELSE IN THE HEAD.

Not the funniest thing to ever happen, not even close.  But, I was not able to let out even the littlest snicker because this particular moment in "Almost, Maine" was quiet, touching, and heartfelt.  At least I think it was because no one else was laughing.  In a desperate attempt to stifle the bellowing laughter growing in my chest, I put my own face down in my hands and tried to laugh as softly as possible.  This turned out to be my greatest mistake.  Like a balloon filled with air, I preceded to turn what would have been a loud pop out of my mouth into a long slow hiss.  Attempting to not laugh out loud caused me to shake violently in my seat, and the seats of those around me, for the remainder of Act One (a good five minutes).

As intermission came to a close, a patron seated a few seats down my row recognized me as a member of the improv troupe and proceeded to gush about our shows.  I mentioned the incident with the falling program to him, and his wife asked "Was that you creating all the vibration?"  Embarassed, I tried to apologize to the old lady sitting next to me, but she would not look me in the eye.

Cooking with Scookle

I love food. Specifically, I love steak. If you love steak, give this a try:

Fried T-Bone Steak with Potatoes and Tomato/Cucumber Salad

Take two T-Bone steaks and tenderize them like Apollo did Rocky.
Coat T-Bone steak with basting oil (olive oil and basil).
Rub steak with spices and stuff (black pepper, red pepper, garlic, salt, paprika, and onion powder).
In a heavy skillet, or griddle, or whatever you got that can contain two T-Bones, brown the steak on either side with high .
When brown on both sides, lower heat, and cook steak until desired doneness (anything other that med-rare is stupid). Right before flipping, make sure to baste with basting oil.
After last flip, shake parmesean cheese onto steak, turn off heat and cover with foil.
When cheese is melted serve the steak with that other stuff I mentioned in the title of the recipe.


I had this tonight and it was a tap dance on my taste buds. I also recomend you enjoy with a Blue Light or six.

-Liam

Drinking Fountains: Refreshment or Receptacle

My grandmother always told me not to drink out of drinking fountains on the boardwalk 'cause people "wash their feet in them." Naturally, I refused to believe such a wild accusation against a harmless inadament object. The public drinking fountain has provided me with copious amounts of free refreshment for years. It is a symbol of freedom and democracy.

Today, I saw a man urinating in a drinking fountain downtown... sorry grandma, I should have respected your superior wisdom all along.

New Species of Crab wishes it didn’t get Discovered

By T.R. (GCI SCIENCE WRITER)

TAIPEI, Taiwan (GCI) -- A marine biologist at National Taiwan Ocean University has confirmed that he and his research team have recently discovered a new species of crab off the coast of Southern Taiwan.

Dr. Ho Ping-ho stated that the new species, although similar to others found off the coasts of Hawaii, Polynesia and Mauritius, is unique due to its distinctive clam-shaped shell and an uncanny resemblance to a strawberry.

Although marine biologists and oceanographers around the world are abuzz about his find, not everyone shares in Dr. Ping-ho’s excitement - most notably, the newly discovered crab.

“Am I stoked about being discovered? Hell no - I’m a crab that looks like a strawberry…it’s [expletive] embarrassing!”, said one of the crabs who agreed to speak on the condition of anonymity.

“Look, we’ve managed to stay hidden for thousands of years keeping to ourselves. Most of our ocean peers just ignored us…then shit went crazy in the 80’s…you have no idea the daily ridicule we’ve been subjected to since that damn Strawberry Shortcake cartoon hit the airwaves!”



First entering pop culture in the late 1970’s as a series of greeting cards and dolls from American Greetings, Strawberry Shortcake and her cronies (Blueberry Muffin, Huckleberry Pie, Raspberry Tart, Apple Dumplin’ etc.) lived in a magical world called “Strawberryland” where they would routinely have altercations and “run-ins” with Strawberry Shortcake’s arch nemesis; The Peculiar Purple Pieman.

“Almost overnight, we were the laughing stock of the entire bottom-feeding Indo-Pacific oceanic community. We couldn’t awkwardly turn around by shuffling in a radial pattern without hearing some rude comment like:

’Hey everyone it’s Strawberry Crabcake!’ or ’Hey crab, I don’t care what everyone else is saying about you, I still like you berry, berry much!’

It was demoralizing…I remember wanting to crawl right out of my carapace and cry my compound eyes out, but somehow, I maintained a hardened exterior shell and turned a blind eyestalk to all the insults.”

Faced with the prospect of widespread terrestrial ridicule and alienation, the Strawberry Crab’s future psychological well being is uncertain.

“I’m not sure I can continue to muster the strength to hide under rocks and skitter about on the ocean floor like the adorable little biological tank that I am. This may very well be the straw[berry] that breaks this crab‘s back.”

Sadly, the newly discovered anonymous crab was found dead shortly after this interview under suspicious circumstances. Although tight-lipped about the ongoing investigation, authorities have confirmed that they believe the death to be a case of mistaken identity and have released this sketch of a person of interest:

JZ's Big Predictions for Oh-Ten.

Hey everybody! Now that we’re three weeks into the year I can extrapolate what I’ve seen so far and predict the big new trends of 2010. 2009 brought us a lot of exciting pop culture developments, like frumpy British people who can sing their asses off, and movies that look like video games and star blue cat-people. So let us now look to the events that will shape our view of 2010, and that VH1 shows will start reminiscing about days after they happen.

Big Musical Trend of 2010: Techno-dance remixes of old school country songs - This will begin in March, when the Chemical Brothers release their version of Johnny Cash’s “Boy named Sue”, but will reach it’s zenith with Daft Punk’s amazing cover of Hank Williams’ “Your Cheatin’ Heart”.

Social Networking Development of 2010: Secret Societies – Now that Facebook has become the dominant social networking site, people will yearn for the one thing not allowed by the internet: exclusivity. That is why no less than 600 secret societies will spring up over the course of 2010. Everyone will belong to some group that meets in secret to discuss their belief in magic, or angels or bicameral legislatures, or other made-up nonsense. And the biggest joy they’ll get from it is keeping other people out.

Fashion Trend of 2010: For the ladies, Daisy Dukes – these things are cyclical and it is their time again, just like the summer of 1994. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with that.
For the men, Fly Fishing Vests – This will begin with the success of the new hip hop artist Angler D, and everyone will claim they were the first to start wearing beige vests with fish pouches in the back.

Big Political Hub-Bub of 2010: Al Franken knocks up Anne Coulter – When Anne Coulter (super hard-core right wing action) becomes mysteriously pregnant, it will be Al Franken (ultra lefty pinko-pansy) that comes out to the press and reveals the truth about their lumpy, boney love affair. Anne will give birth to a baby that is politically moderate in every way, but still crazy as hell.

Fandom of something that doesn’t exist* for 2010: Norse Mythology - Move over vampires. Shake a leg, werewolves. Watch your backs, boy wizards. Y’alls can’t compete with blonde dudes throwing magic hammers at frost giants. All the kids are gonna want magical pack-oxen at Christmas 2010. The adventures of Thor, Sif, Oden, and Loki are gonna be ev-a-ry-where this year.

So, there ya have it. A list of the things that you’ll be sick of hearing about by the end of the year. Sit back and enjoy it, it’s a hell of a toboggan ride. Oh, also, a truncated version of the healthcare bill will go into effect, and the economy will show slight, though disappointing, steps toward recovery. Happy 2010 y’all!!!


*This post is in no way intended to offend worshipers of the ancient Nordic Deities; the existence of which has never been disproven. If there is any group I do not wish to offend it’s you. I mean come on, you know who worshipped these Gods? Effing Vikings, that’s who!! This blog was posted in good fun, please don’t cleave me in half with a giant axe…

GCI's TV On Stage Inspires Real Poltical Decisions

In July 2009, Geva Comedy Improv improvised an original concept for a TV show called First Family. In the show, an unqualified, incompetent, beer-slinging head of agriculture (played by comedic heavy-weight John Zaffino) is made president when he is the last available elected official in the political chain of succession.

Just last week GCI received a call from US Rep. Kevin McCarthy, Californian cheerleader for the GOP, asking if he could take our concept for a TV show and turn it into real life. McCarthy was hoping to recruit a gospel-singing farmer from Frog Jump, Tennessee to run for a position in the US House of Representatives. Having no political experience whatsoever, and never having set foot anywhere near the nations capitol (let alone knowing it existed) the Republican Party thought this candidate was perfectly qualified to help run our country. We know, it doesn't sound real, but it is:

GOP casting wide net in effort to recruit 2010 hopefuls

After many confusing metaphors about surfing and a number of meaningless west coast idioms from McCarthy, GCI acquiesced. Knowing full well this could have disastrous consequences, the executive branch of GCI agreed it should, at the very least, be a lot of fun to watch.

One GCI follower, who prefers to stay name-less, did not approve of this decision.

Like Liam, Ted Also Encounters Disturbingly Innacurate Age Profiling

This morning I was minding my own business when I heard a knock at the door. It being before noon, and Paul Nellis being at work, I was still in my sleepwear and not expecting any visitors. Alas, when the door is knocked upon it must not go unanswered, so I answered it. It was a package. UPS. A gentleman, in UPS uniform, carrying a package, a rather large one in fact. Before I could utter a pleasant salutation or think of a witty pop-culture reference, the man pushed the box toward me and just before making a ninja-like departure he spoke these words "be careful, you're going to need two hands for that one, kiddo."

...

I am almost 25 years old, ever-approaching that very monumental nexus that connects young adulthood with gerontology. I have poor hearing, a beard, and hair on my back that has, many years ago, passed the "sprouting" period. I am a grown ass man. I have ventured into the proverbial forest and re-emerged with the skin of a bear and the head of a lion. I am not a baby, I am not a "kiddo."

I mean seriously, do "kiddos" have toenails as thick as Plexiglas? Do "youngin's" have receding hairlines? Do babies have BEARDS?!?! I don't think so. Or at least I didn't think so until I saw this baby...


And then was further discredited (and confused and disturbed) after visiting this web-site: Babies With Beards.

So, I want to take a moment to humbly apologize to the UPS man who came to my door earlier today, for perhaps he is struggling to cope with the burden of caring for a bearded infant. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family, Mr. UPS.

Luckily, the box he delivered was full of frozen meat, so I will be able to cope with my blind unadulterated-heartlessness, by eating my feelings, right after this post.

Ted's New Years Resolution: Be More Like Lady GaGa

Some may argue that Lady Gaga is not an appropriate role model for a quarter-aged, heterosexual male, however, I would wholeheartedly disagree. She's badass, she does whatever she wants, and she's already a bajillionaire. I want to start out small, so here are three simple steps that I plan on taking to begin fulfilling my 2010 new years resolution of being more like Lady Gaga.

Step 1: Name change
What's in a name? Oh I don't know... Everything! Traditional names are just monotonous labels for mindless drones to the big machine. Henceforth I shall call myself "Man BaBa"

Step one... done.

Step 2: Fashion Transformation
If clothes make the man, then I need to start clearing out my wardrobe... but why buy clothes when you can wear a birdsnest as a hat,
a sexy imperial guard costume,a famous french museum with batman ears, or steal a bunch of children's hand-puppets and paste them together? I've been working on a paper clip vest and cream cheese socks.

Step two... in progress, need more paper clips.

Step 3: Acquire Minions
Whether it's a bunch of people in a tub or someone acting as a bench while she plays the piano
Lady GaGa has got people that will do WHATEVER she wants. That's gotta be great. As soon as I get some minions I know I will have truly made it, I'm not sure what exactly I will make them do, all I know is that next time I play the piano I want to sit on a person, and I want another person to be hard at work on some embroidery in front of me.
Step three... currently reviewing applicants.

I think that's good for now, with all this I should be a multi-millionaire by august. I'll keep you posted.