Wednesday, January 13, 2010

JZ's Big Predictions for Oh-Ten.

Hey everybody! Now that we’re three weeks into the year I can extrapolate what I’ve seen so far and predict the big new trends of 2010. 2009 brought us a lot of exciting pop culture developments, like frumpy British people who can sing their asses off, and movies that look like video games and star blue cat-people. So let us now look to the events that will shape our view of 2010, and that VH1 shows will start reminiscing about days after they happen.

Big Musical Trend of 2010: Techno-dance remixes of old school country songs - This will begin in March, when the Chemical Brothers release their version of Johnny Cash’s “Boy named Sue”, but will reach it’s zenith with Daft Punk’s amazing cover of Hank Williams’ “Your Cheatin’ Heart”.

Social Networking Development of 2010: Secret Societies – Now that Facebook has become the dominant social networking site, people will yearn for the one thing not allowed by the internet: exclusivity. That is why no less than 600 secret societies will spring up over the course of 2010. Everyone will belong to some group that meets in secret to discuss their belief in magic, or angels or bicameral legislatures, or other made-up nonsense. And the biggest joy they’ll get from it is keeping other people out.

Fashion Trend of 2010: For the ladies, Daisy Dukes – these things are cyclical and it is their time again, just like the summer of 1994. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with that.
For the men, Fly Fishing Vests – This will begin with the success of the new hip hop artist Angler D, and everyone will claim they were the first to start wearing beige vests with fish pouches in the back.

Big Political Hub-Bub of 2010: Al Franken knocks up Anne Coulter – When Anne Coulter (super hard-core right wing action) becomes mysteriously pregnant, it will be Al Franken (ultra lefty pinko-pansy) that comes out to the press and reveals the truth about their lumpy, boney love affair. Anne will give birth to a baby that is politically moderate in every way, but still crazy as hell.

Fandom of something that doesn’t exist* for 2010: Norse Mythology - Move over vampires. Shake a leg, werewolves. Watch your backs, boy wizards. Y’alls can’t compete with blonde dudes throwing magic hammers at frost giants. All the kids are gonna want magical pack-oxen at Christmas 2010. The adventures of Thor, Sif, Oden, and Loki are gonna be ev-a-ry-where this year.

So, there ya have it. A list of the things that you’ll be sick of hearing about by the end of the year. Sit back and enjoy it, it’s a hell of a toboggan ride. Oh, also, a truncated version of the healthcare bill will go into effect, and the economy will show slight, though disappointing, steps toward recovery. Happy 2010 y’all!!!

*This post is in no way intended to offend worshipers of the ancient Nordic Deities; the existence of which has never been disproven. If there is any group I do not wish to offend it’s you. I mean come on, you know who worshipped these Gods? Effing Vikings, that’s who!! This blog was posted in good fun, please don’t cleave me in half with a giant axe…

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous11:21 PM

    I know my magical pack-ox is on special-order from Neiman Marcus. Its going to come with a yoke and reigns woven with maidenhair. I ordered early enough to get a half price ticket to Valhalla for the thunderbolt solstice!

    But your still going to get cleaved.