Friday, June 04, 2010


JUNE 4th, 2010

Apparently, Citibank has just unlawfully fired a woman because she was "too hott." Now, of course, Citibank denies this claim but after some in-depth research I am inclined to believe this self-described "normal woman," as I'm sure a jury of horny teenagers will no doubt agree...

Exhibit A

Exhibit Beeehhoooobs

QUOTE HER LAWYER: "All it came down to was, 'We don't want to deal with you, because you're just too good looking.'"

I'm not here to place blame, but I think it's fairly obvious that Citibank employee's "distractions" are not at all their fault. Take for example these comments that were secretly recorded at Citibank's office while Ms. Lorenzana happened to stroll by wearing "designer" clothes:

"Hey Jack, any update on the jaa.... HOOO MY GOD, I JUST STAPLED MY HAND TO THE FAX MACHINE!!!"

"I knew I shouldn't have worn sweat pants on casual Friday..."


And, here is some footage caught on a Citibank surveillance camera:

This is just down right despicable. I mean geeze lady, how do you expect grown men NOT to act like they are just starting puberty? 'I can't help it that I have curves,' Lorenzana told the Daily News. 'And I'm not going to go eat and gain 50 or 100 pounds because my job wants me to be the same size as everyone else.' Ummm... I think you just answered your own question there Ms. Lorenzana.

This whole situation brings up a very important question that I truly believe is burning a hole in the mind of all the good-hearted GCI fans out there: Why do I, Ted Limpert, still have my job?!?! I mean seriously, I never hesitate to flaunt my bodacious curves and chasm-like cleavage around the office. My co-workers are always complaining that I am the source of constant distraction and they can't look away when I bring a banana for lunch or have my daily afternoon popsicle.

Exhibit A


You can't expect me to just go out and gain 50 or 100 pounds so I look like everyone else, and I refuse to stop wearing women's designer clothes! In the words of the ancient Greek philosopher Plato "It's my hott body, I do what I want."

So, on behalf of super sexy, dangerously vivacious employees everywhere I send my support to Ms. Lorenzana in her battle against Citibank. It will be an uphill battle, it will be a long and haaarrr..... HOOOO MY GOT I JUST STAPLED MY HAND TO MY LEG!!!!


  1. Anonymous12:41 AM

    As a fellow coworker of mr. limpert, I have sustained serious lacerations to my hands and other body parts in addition to the incurred cost of bystanding office equipment whenever he walks by. Due to a recent transfer, I wont have to suffer injury anymore as both Mr. Limpert and Ms. Lorenzana will not be in my new locale...My hands cheer but mine eyes will mourn...

  2. The firing of Lorenzana by the citibank shows the double standard of the West. This has been the crux of arguments by the religious minorities living in the west. Now the truth comes out in the case of Lorenza. Why not allow her to show off her revealing bosom if she wanted to. why restrict her on dresses. Why not she be provocative.

    A Muslim woman who wants to cover more will ask similar questions. Why not I cover as much as I wish to. why can not I be less provocative and less sexy? If the western countries are true to what they say about the fundamental rights, why interfere with the fundamental rights of Lorenza.In the same breathe why interfere with the fundamental rights of the Muslim women. It is sheer hypocrisy, bias, pretentious culture and open double standard. Even in the liberal West, it is an offence for women to go half naked. There are restrictions on dress even in Europe, is the contention of Muslims. The difference is only in degree when it comes to modesty.

    Absolute freedom is non-existent in any culture. Being social animals, men and women have animal magnetism and sex appeal. One can never deny the fact that when a young man looking at a woman revealing a major part of her firm, round, shapely and bulging breasts gets sexually excited and would have train of quite often lewd thoughts in his mind. Hence religious laws on dress code. The West judges one set of rules as barbaric simply because OF ALIEN CULTURE BASE and another set as liberation