Monday, October 11, 2010

National Holiday

Aaah, Columbus Day. Since I was a wee child, this holiday has delighted me because it was the first school holiday of the year. That, and my mom always scheduled me to have my teeth cleaned on this day. There's nothing like the taste of flouride. I digress...

But as I've grown older, I find it odd that we honor a man who discovered this country accidentally, and began the annihilation of an entire group of indigenous people. Now, don't call me un-American; I love paid days off just like the rest of my country. I just think we should be more careful about who/what we honor on our calendar.

My suggestion? Erase the Columbus Day holiday, and REPLACE it with MANY holidays that honor things that are ACTUALLY awesome.

Add these new holidays to your calendar for 2011:

January 3rd shall now be National Richard Simmons is Awesome Day! Richard Simmons, you ask? Why? WHY? WHY?!??! If you have ever seen this video, you understand why:

I rest my case. Next holiday:

February 15th is Bonobo Monkeys Day. Why? Because Bonobo monkeys are the hippies of the monkey world. They do the horizontal polka to say hello, goodbye, and to solve disputes. I kid you not. I watch animal documentaries A LOT. We should be more like them.

March 31st shall now be National Golden Girls Day. Dorothy, Rose, Sophia and Blanche have brought so much joy and laughter to the world, while tackling real-life issues. Everyone deserves to take the day off and watch Lifetime reruns, and soak in the valuable life lessons. Thank YOU for being a friend!

April 11th is now Celebration of the Best Food on the Planet Day- Pierogies!!! It's a combination of some of the tastiest foods on the planet: potatoes, pasta, cheese, and butter. You may not live a long life on an all-pierogie diet, but damnit you'll live a happy one. I triple dog dare you...

July 5th...Billy Joel Day! He's the best. This piano man loves me just the way I am, and when I hear his voice it sounds like a river of dreams. You get the picture.

With a face only a mother could love, call me Momma.

August 16th...Cotton Day! Come on, where would you be without cotton? You'd be naked. So would your neighbors. Let's be honest, silk is too expensive. Aren't you glad that cotton provides the fabric to keep strangers clothed? Let's celebrate the glories of cotton and it's cheapness!

And finally, to show everyone that American holidays don't HAVE to be all about America, September 13th shall be British Humor Day. Take the day off and watch some of your favorite British comedies. My personal favorite is Monty Python and the Holy Grail.


Well, now you know where my priorities lie. What holidays would you add?


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