Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Lightning Bold, Lightning Bolt, Lightning Bolt!

Who has no nose, spider fingers, a distaste for gay wizards, and wants to filibuster the hell out of financial reform?

This guy.

That's right, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is getting into politics. I know, because I saw this on the back of someones car.

I can only assume that his presence on the Republican ticket is another attempt to rally the party. It seems that republicans are looking to hit all angles, Sarah Palin reaches out to moose hunters and snowmobile owners, Glenn Beck reaches out to crazy people, and now Lord Voldemort will attempt to garner support among stay-at-home moms and super nerds all accross the country.

Whatever happens, I'm going to start practicing my incantations, in case there's a showdown. I mean, I don't want to get owned by Draco Malfoy, that kid is a huge tool.
Expelliarum Lightning boltus!

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Whooooooooo's in the hoooouse?

Hello all,

Welcome to my first blog post. I am your fashionably late host, Dani. I was introduced to a video today and it made me laugh so hard I had to pass it on. Some of you may have seen it, the girl who was in the video was such a hit on Youtube that she became a guest on the Ellen Degeneres Show. All I can say is that, if this is what getting your wisdom teeth out is like, SIGN ME UP!!

www.youtube.com/v/AvLbPdBQupE&hl=en_US&fs=1&rel=0">

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

JZ's Unsolicited Advice Column: Travel Edition

Hey everybody, John here. As the “Spring-Break” season dawns on us once again, people begin making plans for the annual exodus from where we live to warmer, more booze-soaked locales. Nothing says “goodbye winter” like having a big guy forcibly pour tequila down your gullet while loudly blowing a whistle. However, even the best planned vacation can go astray; especially if you make the wrong moves in a foreign country. In the interest of helping our readers avoid run-ins with the federales, and not become unwitting drug-mules, I offer JZ’s tips for traveling abroad:

Tip #1: Pack smart – When going to another country, one never truly knows what one will encounter. While this provides a certain level of uncertainty, a smart traveler can stack the deck in their favor by bringing helpful items on each of their trips. These items include: granola bars, a water bottle, a flashlight, a hand pumped water filtration system, a passport, a phony passport with a different name, a decent suit for court appearances, a set of brass knuckles*, a fake mustache, bribe money, and a comfortable pair of shoes.
*(Brass Knuckles are outlawed in the United States as a “concealed weapon”. However, they are great for foreign travel…. because they’re so easy to conceal)
Packing the right items can prepare you for several contingencies or, worst-case, provide you with stuff to trade for a trip home.

Tip #2 : Let ‘em know where you’re from – If there’s one thing people abroad are impressed with, it’s the land of cowboys and movie stars. It is because of this international idolization that it’s important you let everyone know that you are American, and therefore subject to preferential treatment. It’s important to educate people on your American-ness when you are cutting in a line or yelling at a cabbie that doesn’t speak English, for example. One caveat to “dropping the A bomb” is, if done in Europe, it must immediately be noted that we saved/ kicked their country’s sorry ass in WWII.

Tip #3: Avoid blood sausage – Picture a sausage. Now take out all the meat. You still have all the spices, maybe tiny bits of minced onion, and some other sausage-y flavors. Now where there was meat, put…scab. That’s right! A big, warm, wet scab!!! Why they eat this in other countries is beyond me. I guess it’s a throw back to the old days when every part of the animal was used to gross out Americans.
Now, I’m a relatively adventurous eater. On the trip where I tried blood sausage I also ate cow thymus (Sweet Breads) and would do it again, ‘cause it tasted good. Not the blood sausage though. It didn’t even taste that bad, it was just bland. However, the texture, coupled with the fact that you are basically eating a clotting mechanism… eugh.

Those three tips should be a good start. And remember, you’re on vacation, live it up! Expand your horizons, do things you wouldn’t normally do. Normally have drab tastes? Wear something flashy. Normally an introvert? Try karaoke. Are you usually a buttoned down, boring decision maker? Rip off a bunch of bikers for their meth money, join an underground yakuza fight club, mix it up!!

Monday, April 05, 2010

THE ROBOT APOCALYPSE IS COMING!!!


JAPAN!?!? Cool your effin' jets!! A robot that can mimic facial expressions?! SERIOUSLY!? Why would anyone EVER need this? EVER!?! Do the Japanese not watch movies?! Don't they know that as soon as Will Smith is too old to fight robots, we're all screwed?!

I propose new regulations for Robotic construction. Robots msut only have one (1) leg for limited mobility, and there must be a large button on their back that, when pressed, causes them to explode. And NEVER, ABSOLUTELY NEVER, under any cirsumstances will robots be made waterproof or given the ability to fly...

When the robot apocalypse arrives, my stock holdings in the super soakers corporation will finally pay off.

This video made me vomit. Human or... killing machine that doesn't like to be poked in the face?

Thursday, April 01, 2010

After Brief Quest Ted Finds Twix

For the past few improv practices, due to the absence of twix in the new company vending machine, Paul Nellis has been raging like a dinosaur in heat. "There have been a lot of neck snaps" said Nick DiCola, commenting on how Nellis' mood has effected practice. John Zaffino squeaked "I'm just so scared," and ducked as a fake brick zoomed by his delicate face. "I don't know, he's always like this" declared Nicole Baccanti, GCI's Lady Gaga expert and "reality-check" officer.

With all this suffering, something had to be done. Local heartthrob, and pre-teen celebrity, Ted Limpert decided to take it upon himself to solve this disaster. The answer was obvious; it was time for a quest. A quest to cure the rage-riddled Paul Nellis. A quest not unlike one where the only antidote grows on a plant that just so happens to only be located on the rocky cliff-face of broken-glass-volcano-mountain. Ted gathered his things and set off not knowing what lied ahead, or if he would ever see his friends again...


"It took me about 20 seconds" Limpert declared, with a charmingly indifferent shrug, upon his surprising return. "It took me about 20 seconds to find. I walked down a few stairs and there was another machine that had twix in it." Paul's rage was calmed only for a few moments as he ravaged the twix and then proceeded to fall asleep. "He's my hero" proclaimed DiCola. "You know, he's not just devilishly handsome, he's complex, he can do stuff too" swooned Liam Scahill and Danielle Erway in unison.

Another crisis averted, another grown-up-child saved. Thank you Ted Limpert may you fly high on the wings of an eagle and continue to watch over this fair city.