The Marriage Ref OR Catching A Glimpse Of What Hell Looks Like

Nothing makes me more physically ill than reality television. If I even catch a glimpse of anything hosted by Regis Philbin or Ryan Seacrest I die a little inside. My own personal hell would be watching a group of skeletons clamoring incessantly, trying desperately to become Paris Hilton's new bff, while engaged in an eternal dance battle with Danny Bonaducie and the situation, all the while being judged by David Hasselhoff, Kathy Griffin, and some random british asshole.

That in mind, I recently decided to watch the pilot episode of Jerry Seinfelds new show "The Marriage Ref." Needless to say I went in with low expectations. Extremely low. So low in fact that I would have been perfectly satisfied with being disgusted.

Instead it was like watching an ambulance crash into an orphanage on Christmas. I have never been so afraid. Jerry Seinfeld and Tom Papa took my brain out of my skull, flattened it out, and wore it as a bib while they giggled and skipped around like two little girls at a make believe tea party.

If you must know, the show is about Tom Papa (a relatively unknown nobody) and a panel of B-list celebrity 'experts' adjudicating the most ridiculous, blatantly scripted, marital disputes. However, if anyone asked me to describe this show in real life I would simply say "it's bad... really bad."

The whole time I was hoping to get some sort of respite from the celebrity guest panel --Alec Baldwin from 30 Rock, a glimmer of hope-- but there was none to be had. Baldwin seemed like an abused animal at a corporate circus, "fact checker" Natalie Morales was silently screaming "WHY?!", and Kelly Rippa proved that you can put lipstick on a pig but everyone knows it's still just Kelly Rippa. No one was even telling jokes, they were all just yelling and cackling at each other. It was like I was in a hot tub full of witches and I couldn't get out...

In the end my pain was all for naught. I was asking for it. I could have shut my computer and ran, but I didn't, I stayed in that hot tub and let those evil witches have their way with me. You win Jerry Seinfeld, you win. I watched your stupid show and reinforced for you the fact that you can do whatever the hell you want. I don't have a bajillion dollars and I don't have a tv sitcom named after me, all I can do is seek refuge in the self-aggrandizing glory hole that is the blogosphere. I'm gonna go cry and post my feelings on twitter.

The OK GOs need a real job...

Proving that yes, there ARE people out there with more time on their hands than us, the band OK Go have unleashed this video for their song, "This Too Shall Pass". I mean, c'mon - don't you have errands to do? Laundry to pick up? Taxes to audit? Where can I find a job that lets me sing and knock stuff over, to critical acclaim? Sigh. Back to my stupid life.

Also, this video rules. You go, OK Gos.

Cooking with Scookle

I could cook other things, but I mean, I really care a great deal for steak.

Broiled Montreal Seasoned Sirloin with Sauteed Baby Portabellas and Green Beans

-Wash your filthy hands
-Set broiler on low
-Tenderize steak...don't worry it likes it
-Rub steak with Montreal seasoning to taste(basically salt, black and red pepper, garlic, and paprika. You can also just buy this in the spice section of a grocery store)
-After the rub cover the steak with olive or basting oil
-In a large, hot frying pan brown steak on either side (bout two min a side)
-Line a cookie sheet with foil and coat the foil with the olive or bastin oil. Transfer steak to sheet and place in broiler.
-Cook until desired temperature, flipping occasionally
-When steak is about five min from done start the portabellas: Place pan on high heat, add a tbls. of butter. When butter is melted add the washed portabellas. Spinkle with cayenne pepper to taste.
-Turn heat down to med. and stir occasionally. When steak is done, so are the mushrooms.
-At some point during all of this cook some green beans. I just put a frozen bag of them in the microwave right after I start the portabellas.

I paired this meal with one or five Genny's.



Hope you enjoy,
Scookle

Isn't Tom Cruise Shorter Than a Midget?

Tonight it was brought up in discussion that the movie "Legend" is better than "Willow." I don't know much for sure except that The Beatles are better than The Monkeys, the Dodgers are never coming back to Brooklyn, and "Willow" is a better movie than "Legend," a MUCH better movie. "Legend?" Weak sauce. Unicorns? Lord of Darkness? Some Lord, he gets killed by a bunch of mirrors. "Oh no, don't stab me with your magical unicorn horn!" In "Legend" Tom Cruise stars as "Jack," a forest recluse. Really? A forest recluse? Well when he is done playing with Christopher Robin in the 100 Acre Wood, maybe he can step his hero game up and come play with the big boys in "Willow." Val Kilmer stars in "Willow" as "Madmartigan," and in case you didn't know he is the greatest swordsman that ever lived...recognize. "Willow" made more money, was nominated for more Academy awards, it's funnier, it has little people, pocket sized people, a two headed dragon, and oh yeah...death dogs.

Terminator takes groin kick in his stride...

Temporarily distracted from his time-bending quest to assassinate John Connor, a Cyberdyne T-101 Terminator takes a moment to shrug off an atomic nut-buster kick to his fun-zone. Said the polymetal endoskeleton following the devastating assault, "I need your clothes, your boots, your motorcycle, and some ice packs," before retiring to a dressing room and breathing heavily into a brown paper bag for the next 2 hours. World of Boom policy usually restricts the awarding of medals to cybernetic killing machines, but in this case, you sir, have earned yourself the World of Boom Impervious Titanium Junk Cup. God speed, brave silicon eunuch. Footage below:

Cyber Team Omega: Secretly Protecting GCI from itself since 2005

I received the following email today to the GCI email account. To the untrained eye, this clearly appears to be SPAM mail; to those of us in the GCI inner circle, well, we know better: ----------------------------------------------------------------- re Mcgee1941 [Mcgee1941@gmx.net] Sent: Monday, February 08, 2010 3:22 PM To: Geva Comedy Improv Attachments:

Hey, some jerk has posted your pictures (u understand what kind of pictures are there) and sent a link of them to all ur friends. I have already replied back. Said, that he is an idiot. See the link: (LINK REMOVED FOR SECURITY PURPOSES) Royal Mcgee ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Back in March of 2005, GCI began to compile a portfolio of photos (u understand what kind) and then hired a crack-team of cyber experts (Cyber Team Omega) to troll the inter-webs in the event our security measures fail and some dubious mastermind (a.ka. jerk) sends a link of said pictures to all of our friends. Empowered by an initiative called "The 14th Protocol", any such security breach requires the agents of Cyber Team Omega to: "...once breach is confirmed, reply immediately back to the link and inform the individual that he/she is an idiot. Recap the sequence of events (in 40 words or less), include the masked link (for security purposes) and identify your post via the official GCI list of approved code names, document VUF-198765..." Well done Cyber Team Omega Agent Royal Mcgee - well done indeed. Your diligence and loyalty will be rewarded. Proceed to drop location 306-A.

Natural (Devastating?) occurrences brought on by Nick's literary whim!

Have you heard the news? Do you know what the going's on in the Pacific Ocean are? The signs are all there. GIANT SQUIDS. Giant squids are taking over the waters off the coast of California. I find this quite remarkable. It may be a little known fact that my childhood ran wild in California and like the classic Eagles' song, Hotel California says, "You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave." These lyrics help to illustrate my deep connection's role in the onslaught of Giant squids...

Not more than a week ago, the same time the squids were first spotted, I began reading Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters, by Jane Austen and Ben H. Winters (The same authors as JZ's recent read Pride and Prejudice and Zombies).

Is the presence of these Giant Squids a coincidence, or do I now inadvertently control forces of nature based on my literary interest at that moment. I still have quite a few chapters ahead of me and we shall see if the "sport" of hunting these peaceable creatures will go unpunished? I will keep you in the loop and with a swish and quirt of ink, I am out.

Check this link for details!

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/northamerica/usa/7132890/Giant-squid-invade-California.html

Paul Nellis ruins "Almost, Maine" for old lady sitting next to him.

Let me start by saying that this was a wonderful play, potentially the best I've seen at Geva in my 7-year tenure.

Anyways, I began my theatre-going experience somewhat annoyed by the obnoxious theatre etiquette of the Rochester audience.  People kept coming in late, jostling the seats, and distracting me from the thoughtful performances on stage.  Near the end of Act One, however, something happened that changed me and ruined the show for the old lady sitting next to me.

Something caught me eye from across the house.  I looked over just in time to witness a playbill falling from the balcony down into the orchestra section.  As it clobbered a permed coif of dark hair, I looked up just in time to see a classy yet embarrassed woman nervously looking to her left and right, and then covering her face in her hands.  Yes, the woman in the balcony had DROPPED HER PROGRAM OVER THE BALCONY AND IT HIT SOMEONE ELSE IN THE HEAD.

Not the funniest thing to ever happen, not even close.  But, I was not able to let out even the littlest snicker because this particular moment in "Almost, Maine" was quiet, touching, and heartfelt.  At least I think it was because no one else was laughing.  In a desperate attempt to stifle the bellowing laughter growing in my chest, I put my own face down in my hands and tried to laugh as softly as possible.  This turned out to be my greatest mistake.  Like a balloon filled with air, I preceded to turn what would have been a loud pop out of my mouth into a long slow hiss.  Attempting to not laugh out loud caused me to shake violently in my seat, and the seats of those around me, for the remainder of Act One (a good five minutes).

As intermission came to a close, a patron seated a few seats down my row recognized me as a member of the improv troupe and proceeded to gush about our shows.  I mentioned the incident with the falling program to him, and his wife asked "Was that you creating all the vibration?"  Embarassed, I tried to apologize to the old lady sitting next to me, but she would not look me in the eye.

Cooking with Scookle

I love food. Specifically, I love steak. If you love steak, give this a try:

Fried T-Bone Steak with Potatoes and Tomato/Cucumber Salad

Take two T-Bone steaks and tenderize them like Apollo did Rocky.
Coat T-Bone steak with basting oil (olive oil and basil).
Rub steak with spices and stuff (black pepper, red pepper, garlic, salt, paprika, and onion powder).
In a heavy skillet, or griddle, or whatever you got that can contain two T-Bones, brown the steak on either side with high .
When brown on both sides, lower heat, and cook steak until desired doneness (anything other that med-rare is stupid). Right before flipping, make sure to baste with basting oil.
After last flip, shake parmesean cheese onto steak, turn off heat and cover with foil.
When cheese is melted serve the steak with that other stuff I mentioned in the title of the recipe.


I had this tonight and it was a tap dance on my taste buds. I also recomend you enjoy with a Blue Light or six.

-Liam

Drinking Fountains: Refreshment or Receptacle

My grandmother always told me not to drink out of drinking fountains on the boardwalk 'cause people "wash their feet in them." Naturally, I refused to believe such a wild accusation against a harmless inadament object. The public drinking fountain has provided me with copious amounts of free refreshment for years. It is a symbol of freedom and democracy.

Today, I saw a man urinating in a drinking fountain downtown... sorry grandma, I should have respected your superior wisdom all along.

New Species of Crab wishes it didn’t get Discovered

By T.R. (GCI SCIENCE WRITER)

TAIPEI, Taiwan (GCI) -- A marine biologist at National Taiwan Ocean University has confirmed that he and his research team have recently discovered a new species of crab off the coast of Southern Taiwan.

Dr. Ho Ping-ho stated that the new species, although similar to others found off the coasts of Hawaii, Polynesia and Mauritius, is unique due to its distinctive clam-shaped shell and an uncanny resemblance to a strawberry.

Although marine biologists and oceanographers around the world are abuzz about his find, not everyone shares in Dr. Ping-ho’s excitement - most notably, the newly discovered crab.

“Am I stoked about being discovered? Hell no - I’m a crab that looks like a strawberry…it’s [expletive] embarrassing!”, said one of the crabs who agreed to speak on the condition of anonymity.

“Look, we’ve managed to stay hidden for thousands of years keeping to ourselves. Most of our ocean peers just ignored us…then shit went crazy in the 80’s…you have no idea the daily ridicule we’ve been subjected to since that damn Strawberry Shortcake cartoon hit the airwaves!”



First entering pop culture in the late 1970’s as a series of greeting cards and dolls from American Greetings, Strawberry Shortcake and her cronies (Blueberry Muffin, Huckleberry Pie, Raspberry Tart, Apple Dumplin’ etc.) lived in a magical world called “Strawberryland” where they would routinely have altercations and “run-ins” with Strawberry Shortcake’s arch nemesis; The Peculiar Purple Pieman.

“Almost overnight, we were the laughing stock of the entire bottom-feeding Indo-Pacific oceanic community. We couldn’t awkwardly turn around by shuffling in a radial pattern without hearing some rude comment like:

’Hey everyone it’s Strawberry Crabcake!’ or ’Hey crab, I don’t care what everyone else is saying about you, I still like you berry, berry much!’

It was demoralizing…I remember wanting to crawl right out of my carapace and cry my compound eyes out, but somehow, I maintained a hardened exterior shell and turned a blind eyestalk to all the insults.”

Faced with the prospect of widespread terrestrial ridicule and alienation, the Strawberry Crab’s future psychological well being is uncertain.

“I’m not sure I can continue to muster the strength to hide under rocks and skitter about on the ocean floor like the adorable little biological tank that I am. This may very well be the straw[berry] that breaks this crab‘s back.”

Sadly, the newly discovered anonymous crab was found dead shortly after this interview under suspicious circumstances. Although tight-lipped about the ongoing investigation, authorities have confirmed that they believe the death to be a case of mistaken identity and have released this sketch of a person of interest:

JZ's Big Predictions for Oh-Ten.

Hey everybody! Now that we’re three weeks into the year I can extrapolate what I’ve seen so far and predict the big new trends of 2010. 2009 brought us a lot of exciting pop culture developments, like frumpy British people who can sing their asses off, and movies that look like video games and star blue cat-people. So let us now look to the events that will shape our view of 2010, and that VH1 shows will start reminiscing about days after they happen.

Big Musical Trend of 2010: Techno-dance remixes of old school country songs - This will begin in March, when the Chemical Brothers release their version of Johnny Cash’s “Boy named Sue”, but will reach it’s zenith with Daft Punk’s amazing cover of Hank Williams’ “Your Cheatin’ Heart”.

Social Networking Development of 2010: Secret Societies – Now that Facebook has become the dominant social networking site, people will yearn for the one thing not allowed by the internet: exclusivity. That is why no less than 600 secret societies will spring up over the course of 2010. Everyone will belong to some group that meets in secret to discuss their belief in magic, or angels or bicameral legislatures, or other made-up nonsense. And the biggest joy they’ll get from it is keeping other people out.

Fashion Trend of 2010: For the ladies, Daisy Dukes – these things are cyclical and it is their time again, just like the summer of 1994. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with that.
For the men, Fly Fishing Vests – This will begin with the success of the new hip hop artist Angler D, and everyone will claim they were the first to start wearing beige vests with fish pouches in the back.

Big Political Hub-Bub of 2010: Al Franken knocks up Anne Coulter – When Anne Coulter (super hard-core right wing action) becomes mysteriously pregnant, it will be Al Franken (ultra lefty pinko-pansy) that comes out to the press and reveals the truth about their lumpy, boney love affair. Anne will give birth to a baby that is politically moderate in every way, but still crazy as hell.

Fandom of something that doesn’t exist* for 2010: Norse Mythology - Move over vampires. Shake a leg, werewolves. Watch your backs, boy wizards. Y’alls can’t compete with blonde dudes throwing magic hammers at frost giants. All the kids are gonna want magical pack-oxen at Christmas 2010. The adventures of Thor, Sif, Oden, and Loki are gonna be ev-a-ry-where this year.

So, there ya have it. A list of the things that you’ll be sick of hearing about by the end of the year. Sit back and enjoy it, it’s a hell of a toboggan ride. Oh, also, a truncated version of the healthcare bill will go into effect, and the economy will show slight, though disappointing, steps toward recovery. Happy 2010 y’all!!!


*This post is in no way intended to offend worshipers of the ancient Nordic Deities; the existence of which has never been disproven. If there is any group I do not wish to offend it’s you. I mean come on, you know who worshipped these Gods? Effing Vikings, that’s who!! This blog was posted in good fun, please don’t cleave me in half with a giant axe…

GCI's TV On Stage Inspires Real Poltical Decisions

In July 2009, Geva Comedy Improv improvised an original concept for a TV show called First Family. In the show, an unqualified, incompetent, beer-slinging head of agriculture (played by comedic heavy-weight John Zaffino) is made president when he is the last available elected official in the political chain of succession.

Just last week GCI received a call from US Rep. Kevin McCarthy, Californian cheerleader for the GOP, asking if he could take our concept for a TV show and turn it into real life. McCarthy was hoping to recruit a gospel-singing farmer from Frog Jump, Tennessee to run for a position in the US House of Representatives. Having no political experience whatsoever, and never having set foot anywhere near the nations capitol (let alone knowing it existed) the Republican Party thought this candidate was perfectly qualified to help run our country. We know, it doesn't sound real, but it is:

GOP casting wide net in effort to recruit 2010 hopefuls

After many confusing metaphors about surfing and a number of meaningless west coast idioms from McCarthy, GCI acquiesced. Knowing full well this could have disastrous consequences, the executive branch of GCI agreed it should, at the very least, be a lot of fun to watch.

One GCI follower, who prefers to stay name-less, did not approve of this decision.

Like Liam, Ted Also Encounters Disturbingly Innacurate Age Profiling

This morning I was minding my own business when I heard a knock at the door. It being before noon, and Paul Nellis being at work, I was still in my sleepwear and not expecting any visitors. Alas, when the door is knocked upon it must not go unanswered, so I answered it. It was a package. UPS. A gentleman, in UPS uniform, carrying a package, a rather large one in fact. Before I could utter a pleasant salutation or think of a witty pop-culture reference, the man pushed the box toward me and just before making a ninja-like departure he spoke these words "be careful, you're going to need two hands for that one, kiddo."

...

I am almost 25 years old, ever-approaching that very monumental nexus that connects young adulthood with gerontology. I have poor hearing, a beard, and hair on my back that has, many years ago, passed the "sprouting" period. I am a grown ass man. I have ventured into the proverbial forest and re-emerged with the skin of a bear and the head of a lion. I am not a baby, I am not a "kiddo."

I mean seriously, do "kiddos" have toenails as thick as Plexiglas? Do "youngin's" have receding hairlines? Do babies have BEARDS?!?! I don't think so. Or at least I didn't think so until I saw this baby...


And then was further discredited (and confused and disturbed) after visiting this web-site: Babies With Beards.

So, I want to take a moment to humbly apologize to the UPS man who came to my door earlier today, for perhaps he is struggling to cope with the burden of caring for a bearded infant. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family, Mr. UPS.

Luckily, the box he delivered was full of frozen meat, so I will be able to cope with my blind unadulterated-heartlessness, by eating my feelings, right after this post.

Ted's New Years Resolution: Be More Like Lady GaGa

Some may argue that Lady Gaga is not an appropriate role model for a quarter-aged, heterosexual male, however, I would wholeheartedly disagree. She's badass, she does whatever she wants, and she's already a bajillionaire. I want to start out small, so here are three simple steps that I plan on taking to begin fulfilling my 2010 new years resolution of being more like Lady Gaga.

Step 1: Name change
What's in a name? Oh I don't know... Everything! Traditional names are just monotonous labels for mindless drones to the big machine. Henceforth I shall call myself "Man BaBa"

Step one... done.

Step 2: Fashion Transformation
If clothes make the man, then I need to start clearing out my wardrobe... but why buy clothes when you can wear a birdsnest as a hat,
a sexy imperial guard costume,a famous french museum with batman ears, or steal a bunch of children's hand-puppets and paste them together? I've been working on a paper clip vest and cream cheese socks.

Step two... in progress, need more paper clips.

Step 3: Acquire Minions
Whether it's a bunch of people in a tub or someone acting as a bench while she plays the piano
Lady GaGa has got people that will do WHATEVER she wants. That's gotta be great. As soon as I get some minions I know I will have truly made it, I'm not sure what exactly I will make them do, all I know is that next time I play the piano I want to sit on a person, and I want another person to be hard at work on some embroidery in front of me.
Step three... currently reviewing applicants.

I think that's good for now, with all this I should be a multi-millionaire by august. I'll keep you posted.

C3PO Caught in Intergalactic Sexting Scandal

Beloved robot-slave, C3PO, was caught sending lude text messages to an unknown recipient. C3PO has released the following statement:

"After much soul searching, I have decided to take an indefinite break from professional human-cyborg relations. I need to focus my attention on being a better domestic worker, human companion, and life partner to R2D2."

HEY! Old man Scahill-move it!

Every once in a while I like to hit the street scene and paint the town red with savings. But apparently this is how others see me:




Cause last night at ACME some young woman needed to get bye me and said, "Excuse me sir."

Sir? SIR? Is my hair line that far gone? Have I lost my youthful exuberance? Should I contact the AARP and cash in my social security now?

Just when I had convinced myself to throw in the towel on my youth and strap on some Depends, another young woman needed to get bye and said "Excuse me honey." That's right, I'm not a "sir", I'm a "honey." It made me feel better. It made me feel so good I went home early to get some sleep.

T.R.'s Christmas Wish List: Item #1

1. A puppy. Not just any puppy - this one!



I have to admit, originally I wasn't really impressed with Gaylord's "Tricks" but after watching this commercial several times, all of the (not-so) thinly veiled homoerotic innuendo (I stopped counting after 7) had me sold...

"Gaylord comes with a bone of his own!"

Palinator 2: Judgement Day

In recent news, scientists discovered that Alaskan rogue-renegade Sarah Palin is actually a cyborg assasin sent from the future to quell any existence of an intellectual humanoid-revolution. Her mission is to find and destroy John Connor and his extremely masculine mother. When asked about the situation, California Governor Arnold Schwarzeneggar released the following statement:

"To quote my good friend Danny Glover, "I'm too old for this shit""

Subsequently when asked to comment, actor Christian Bale flipped out and threw what experts have called a "child-like temper tantrum."

Reading: Possibly No Longer "Just for chumps".

Hey it’s John and I’ve got exciting news! Reading may no longer be just for jerks and losers!! That’s right! I’ve recently discovered three books that make it actually worthwhile to go to the effort of reading for one’s entertainment. It’s still too soon to get a definitive answer, but reading could potentially be as worthy an activity as water balloon fights, or even building a fort out of couch cushions! Let’s examine these three maverick books with the guts to defy logic, and be entertaining:

• First on our list is Badass: I’ve just finished reading this book, so I know first hand how not-lame it is. It details the lives of the 40 most badass people in history. Some entries include Alexander the Great, Vlad the Impaler, Nicolai Tesla, and George S. Patton. The real strength of this book is that it isn’t afraid to use plain English in its descriptions, using such terms as “Face explodingly awesome”, or referring to “Crotch stomping brilliance”. Definitely worth a read, especially for fans of history or violence.

• Next up is George Carlin’s Last Words: Let’s face it; anything that comes out of Carlin’s brain is worthwhile. I read his other books without hesitation and loved them. You should love them too. If you don’t that’s ok, you’re just wrong is all. Anyway, it’s nice to at least have this one last serving of George to go out on.

• Lastly, we have Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: Finally, a way to make Jane Austen (whoever that is) tolerable. While closely following the original story about uptight people at prissy dances, this book interrupts the lack of action with zombie attacks, and kung-fu skills. While I haven’t read it yet, it seems like the best bet for me to make it through a story about Victorian high society.

You’ll notice that these books have a distinct lack of teen vampires and boy wizards, and that’s just how I like it. With the advent of these three books, the prospect of reading is looking less ridiculous every day!! Enjoy.