BEST OF ROCHESTER!

Geva Comedy Improv Hey peeps. Don't forget to vote for GCI in City Newspaper's BEST OF ROCHESTER - voting ends this Friday!

http://www.rochestercitynewspaper.com/

National Holiday

Aaah, Columbus Day. Since I was a wee child, this holiday has delighted me because it was the first school holiday of the year. That, and my mom always scheduled me to have my teeth cleaned on this day. There's nothing like the taste of flouride. I digress...

But as I've grown older, I find it odd that we honor a man who discovered this country accidentally, and began the annihilation of an entire group of indigenous people. Now, don't call me un-American; I love paid days off just like the rest of my country. I just think we should be more careful about who/what we honor on our calendar.

My suggestion? Erase the Columbus Day holiday, and REPLACE it with MANY holidays that honor things that are ACTUALLY awesome.

Add these new holidays to your calendar for 2011:

January 3rd shall now be National Richard Simmons is Awesome Day! Richard Simmons, you ask? Why? WHY? WHY?!??! If you have ever seen this video, you understand why:


I rest my case. Next holiday:


February 15th is Bonobo Monkeys Day. Why? Because Bonobo monkeys are the hippies of the monkey world. They do the horizontal polka to say hello, goodbye, and to solve disputes. I kid you not. I watch animal documentaries A LOT. We should be more like them.


March 31st shall now be National Golden Girls Day. Dorothy, Rose, Sophia and Blanche have brought so much joy and laughter to the world, while tackling real-life issues. Everyone deserves to take the day off and watch Lifetime reruns, and soak in the valuable life lessons. Thank YOU for being a friend!


April 11th is now Celebration of the Best Food on the Planet Day- Pierogies!!! It's a combination of some of the tastiest foods on the planet: potatoes, pasta, cheese, and butter. You may not live a long life on an all-pierogie diet, but damnit you'll live a happy one. I triple dog dare you...


July 5th...Billy Joel Day! He's the best. This piano man loves me just the way I am, and when I hear his voice it sounds like a river of dreams. You get the picture.

With a face only a mother could love, call me Momma.


August 16th...Cotton Day! Come on, where would you be without cotton? You'd be naked. So would your neighbors. Let's be honest, silk is too expensive. Aren't you glad that cotton provides the fabric to keep strangers clothed? Let's celebrate the glories of cotton and it's cheapness!


And finally, to show everyone that American holidays don't HAVE to be all about America, September 13th shall be British Humor Day. Take the day off and watch some of your favorite British comedies. My personal favorite is Monty Python and the Holy Grail.



Ni!


Well, now you know where my priorities lie. What holidays would you add?

~Dani

WORLD OF BOOM

Greetings, World of Boom fans (or Boomadillos, as you will henceforth be dubbed). Season VIII is here, and in honor of the onstage pyrotechnics, allow me to kick off the new series with this footage of an Amazing Race contestant taking a watermelon to the face at incredible speed. Proof that your watermelon ballista is not a toy. Enjoy!

Danielle Erway forgets how to Blog: Frantically Emails GCI Cast

(GCI PRESS) ROCHESTER NY - In a bizarre turn of events, GCI castmember Danielle Erway has completely forgotten how to post on the GCI blog. In an email recently obtained from the GCI listserver, Erway stated the following:

"HEY! Is it just me being stupid or can no one else blog on the website? I need help...more so than usual."

After receiving no response for 3 days, Erway sent the following email:

"And did anyone get my email about the blog? Why can't I do it anymore? Someone help me or I will throw myself into the Genesee!"

Fearing she may actually follow through on her threat to submerse herself in the mighty river of Silver Nitrate (Thanks Kodak), an anonymous GCI cast member created this blog post in an effort to prove that the blog is indeed fully functional and operational, and to publicly ridicule Erway for her lack of knowledge and understanding of the world-wide interwebs.

All attempts to contact Erway for a comment have proven to be too technologically advanced for her to comprehend them. A pony express rider has been summarily dispatched and we will continue to update you on the status of this story over the course of the next 8-10 days.

Hi GCI Buddies!

It is my summer vacation! This is very exciting! However, I don't have very much money to spend on lavish trips and caviar massages. What's a gal to do? Work out until you pass out I say! It's cheap and I'll be able to consistently wear the clothes that I spent all my money on. (We are getting personal! Do you feel it?)

I will be working out to this video not because I am sad, but because it's very obviously THE BEST.

"This is JAMMIN!" - Diane Horner (Country Hip Hop Instructor, Hero, Incredible Dresser)

Happy Summer!

Nicole

GCI's Fantasy Fantasy League Draft... ROUND 3

TR chose Legolas, the hottest, quasi-androgynous, pointy-eared shim ever to grace the middle-earth with his soft, baby hands. In TR's defense though, legolas does have some sweet bow skills (and vulptuous, angelic lady-lips).

Next up, and we all realize how unorthadox this is (but Liam's mom said we had to let her play), is the only woman who participated in the draft (Dani refused to be a part of it because of "spiritual differences," she threatened to kill anyone who even metioned the league in her presence). But, I guess if Peter Jackson can develop a vaguely-sexual female story-line/love-plot in the middle of Tolkien's phantasmic, homo-erotic epic, than we can humor Nicole while she attempts to play with the big boys (READ: huge dweebs).

Here is Nicole's pick, Susan B. Anthony would be proud.

Coming Soon to Geva Comedy Improv

In preparation for their full-length improvised fantasy epic show in June, GCI has created a cinematic movie trailer. We hope you love it in the face as much as we do.



Show info:
Geva Comedy Improv
June 25th and 26th
7:30pm
Tickets - $10

Location: Geva Nextstage

Tix: gevacomedyimprov.org

Bangladeshi King Kong

I've already blogged about Turkish Star Wars, so it's clear my cinematic loyalties lie with the drug-fueled lunatic fringe of film-makers. In their honor then, allow me to present you with this 'trailer' for Banglar King Kong. I say 'trailer,' because this might actually be the whole film. It's particularly telling that a piece of cinema has plunged off the deep end of reality when the dance sequences are the most realistic part of the film.

Special moments to look out for include:

1:15 - The dude dressed like a cabaret musketeer defeats his foes in a fist fight involving no actual physical contact.

1:32 - Gratuitous snake action.

1:45 - A song clearly dedicated to the noble banana.

2:03 - The Fancy Musketeer uses the deadly hurricane attack on a horde of natives.

3:19 - Cardboardtopia is ravaged beyond the aid of superglue and tape.

ROUND 2 of GCI's: Fantasy Fantasy League Draft

So, Ted was eliminated from the Fantasy Fantasy League pool because he is a damn dirty Harry Potter lover... and he's a super dweeb. Harry Potter has no place in this fantasy league. Harry Potter is to Fantasy Fantasy as pee wee football is to the XFL. You don't see Aragorn crying to his potentially gay professor or Madmartigan wetting his pants because of a "highly dangerous game of quidditch." And seriously Harry Potter, you have a friggin' cloak that makes you invisible and it didn't even once, for a split second, occur to you to go into the gryffindor locker room... how noobish is that?!?

Anyway, Ted is gone. We checked his notes, and his next pick was Nanny McPhee, so I think we're better off. Next up is TR, let's hope he gets things back on track.

Cheeeheeeck it out:

A New Type of Fantasy League

After a grueling 10 seconds of comprehensive research on wikipedia, Geva Comedy Improv discovered that in 2007, over 29.9 million people participated in some type of a fantasy sports league. "Fantasy Sports is estimated to have a $3–$4 Billion annual economic impact across the sports industry" says wikipedia.

After this discovery, GCI's highly qualified team of innovation managers and SFPA (Sports for the Physically Awkward) experts went to work immediately to come up with the next big hit in fantasy game play. It was Liam, who is considered leader of the nerds for his unique ability to fraternize with "normal people," who had the fantasy league money shot:

"What if we developed a fantasy league that was more accessible to people like us; people who don't know who Labron James is or what side of the field he stands on, people who think an immaculate reception is related to a person's midi-chlorian count, people who aren't completely sure what the female anatomy 'really' looks like... Let's create a new fantasy league where WE are the experts, where WE know the stats, where WE are the heroes! To each of you I bequeath the power of Elrond, Lord of Rivendell, the power to draft a fellowship, to reforge Narsil, and to change fictional history forever! We shall call this new league... 'Fantasy Fantasy!'"

The GCI cast responded with a resounding "KAIYAAAA!!!" and from that point on it was magic. No, seriously. Literally, magic occurred. TR started doing magic tricks. It was probably the nerdiest sequence of events that has ever taken place anywhere...

Anyway, please enjoy the first installment of our new fantastical rotisserie:

GCI's FANTASY FANTASY LEAGUE DRAFT


Oh, and come to our shows:
June 25th and 26th @ 7:30pm
The Geva Nextstage
$10
www.gevacomedyimprov.org

TOO HOTT TO... EMPLOY!?!?

JUNE 4th, 2010
NEWS BULLETIN: CITIBANK FIRES MILF

Apparently, Citibank has just unlawfully fired a woman because she was "too hott." Now, of course, Citibank denies this claim but after some in-depth research I am inclined to believe this self-described "normal woman," as I'm sure a jury of horny teenagers will no doubt agree...

Exhibit A


Exhibit Beeehhoooobs

QUOTE HER LAWYER: "All it came down to was, 'We don't want to deal with you, because you're just too good looking.'"

I'm not here to place blame, but I think it's fairly obvious that Citibank employee's "distractions" are not at all their fault. Take for example these comments that were secretly recorded at Citibank's office while Ms. Lorenzana happened to stroll by wearing "designer" clothes:

"Hey Jack, any update on the jaa.... HOOO MY GOD, I JUST STAPLED MY HAND TO THE FAX MACHINE!!!"

"I knew I shouldn't have worn sweat pants on casual Friday..."

"Boobs."

And, here is some footage caught on a Citibank surveillance camera:



This is just down right despicable. I mean geeze lady, how do you expect grown men NOT to act like they are just starting puberty? 'I can't help it that I have curves,' Lorenzana told the Daily News. 'And I'm not going to go eat and gain 50 or 100 pounds because my job wants me to be the same size as everyone else.' Ummm... I think you just answered your own question there Ms. Lorenzana.

This whole situation brings up a very important question that I truly believe is burning a hole in the mind of all the good-hearted GCI fans out there: Why do I, Ted Limpert, still have my job?!?! I mean seriously, I never hesitate to flaunt my bodacious curves and chasm-like cleavage around the office. My co-workers are always complaining that I am the source of constant distraction and they can't look away when I bring a banana for lunch or have my daily afternoon popsicle.

Exhibit A


Exhibit BEEEE-UTIFUL!


You can't expect me to just go out and gain 50 or 100 pounds so I look like everyone else, and I refuse to stop wearing women's designer clothes! In the words of the ancient Greek philosopher Plato "It's my hott body, I do what I want."

So, on behalf of super sexy, dangerously vivacious employees everywhere I send my support to Ms. Lorenzana in her battle against Citibank. It will be an uphill battle, it will be a long and haaarrr..... HOOOO MY GOT I JUST STAPLED MY HAND TO MY LEG!!!!

Liam and John Eat the Foods

This past Saturday Liam and I went to KFC to try the new Double down sandwich. For those of you that don’t know, the Double down is a sandwich consisting of bacon, cheese, and mayonnaise sauce, with fried chicken breasts filling in for the role of the bread (!!!). Now, I gotta say, I love the concept of this sandwich based on balls alone. I can’t help but fantasize about it’s creation: Late night, after the KFC corporate Christmas party, Jerry walks into the lab hammered with a sketch he’s been working on. He wakes up in the morning ashamed and fearing for his job after the copy machine incident from the night before; when he looks down to see his salvation. Jerry runs to his boss’s office carrying his new ‘sandwich’, saving his job. They kick around names, with the leaders being the “Aorta No More-ta” and the “Take That, Colon!!”. Jerry’s boss decides to get twice as many people in the office pitching names, to “double down” their efforts. And just like that, we have a new American classic. I would like to salute you KFC. But first I have to salute anyone who plans on being a heart surgeon in the future; You’re gonna have your hands full…

An Open Letter to Christina Aguilera

Christina Aguilera, put on your pants young lady!

Christina (or Xtina?), there is no denying your phenomenal voice. Your voice is very large which is surprising because you are very little! It is a bit frightening! I know this, because I went to see you live and you scared me a little (Editor’s note: You scared me a lot) because your speaking voice is soft, but when you belt out, you melt faces! My face was one of them. This is not what one would expect out of a small, blonde lady. Ms. Aguilera you are indeed talented.

Having said that, I do not understand this video you got going on here. What the hell is this? You do not need to wear PVC boots. Between you and me (and the GCI community) you can really sing as compared to your contemporaries (love you Britney, but girl, you know you can’t sing). That’s your calling card, your majestic unicorn voice. Let Gaga be Gaga (living performance art that is freaky but lovable). Let Madonna be Madonna (Demanding your attention AT ANY COST, but also lovable). You just be Christina Aguilera, not Xtina. Don’t crawl on the floor and lick up that milk. Stop dancing in that church. Leave that nice tied up lady alone.

Christina Aguilera, put on your pants young lady!

Respectfully yours,

Nicole

Lightning Bold, Lightning Bolt, Lightning Bolt!

Who has no nose, spider fingers, a distaste for gay wizards, and wants to filibuster the hell out of financial reform?

This guy.

That's right, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is getting into politics. I know, because I saw this on the back of someones car.

I can only assume that his presence on the Republican ticket is another attempt to rally the party. It seems that republicans are looking to hit all angles, Sarah Palin reaches out to moose hunters and snowmobile owners, Glenn Beck reaches out to crazy people, and now Lord Voldemort will attempt to garner support among stay-at-home moms and super nerds all accross the country.

Whatever happens, I'm going to start practicing my incantations, in case there's a showdown. I mean, I don't want to get owned by Draco Malfoy, that kid is a huge tool.
Expelliarum Lightning boltus!

Whooooooooo's in the hoooouse?

Hello all,

Welcome to my first blog post. I am your fashionably late host, Dani. I was introduced to a video today and it made me laugh so hard I had to pass it on. Some of you may have seen it, the girl who was in the video was such a hit on Youtube that she became a guest on the Ellen Degeneres Show. All I can say is that, if this is what getting your wisdom teeth out is like, SIGN ME UP!!

www.youtube.com/v/AvLbPdBQupE&hl=en_US&fs=1&rel=0">

JZ's Unsolicited Advice Column: Travel Edition

Hey everybody, John here. As the “Spring-Break” season dawns on us once again, people begin making plans for the annual exodus from where we live to warmer, more booze-soaked locales. Nothing says “goodbye winter” like having a big guy forcibly pour tequila down your gullet while loudly blowing a whistle. However, even the best planned vacation can go astray; especially if you make the wrong moves in a foreign country. In the interest of helping our readers avoid run-ins with the federales, and not become unwitting drug-mules, I offer JZ’s tips for traveling abroad:

Tip #1: Pack smart – When going to another country, one never truly knows what one will encounter. While this provides a certain level of uncertainty, a smart traveler can stack the deck in their favor by bringing helpful items on each of their trips. These items include: granola bars, a water bottle, a flashlight, a hand pumped water filtration system, a passport, a phony passport with a different name, a decent suit for court appearances, a set of brass knuckles*, a fake mustache, bribe money, and a comfortable pair of shoes.
*(Brass Knuckles are outlawed in the United States as a “concealed weapon”. However, they are great for foreign travel…. because they’re so easy to conceal)
Packing the right items can prepare you for several contingencies or, worst-case, provide you with stuff to trade for a trip home.

Tip #2 : Let ‘em know where you’re from – If there’s one thing people abroad are impressed with, it’s the land of cowboys and movie stars. It is because of this international idolization that it’s important you let everyone know that you are American, and therefore subject to preferential treatment. It’s important to educate people on your American-ness when you are cutting in a line or yelling at a cabbie that doesn’t speak English, for example. One caveat to “dropping the A bomb” is, if done in Europe, it must immediately be noted that we saved/ kicked their country’s sorry ass in WWII.

Tip #3: Avoid blood sausage – Picture a sausage. Now take out all the meat. You still have all the spices, maybe tiny bits of minced onion, and some other sausage-y flavors. Now where there was meat, put…scab. That’s right! A big, warm, wet scab!!! Why they eat this in other countries is beyond me. I guess it’s a throw back to the old days when every part of the animal was used to gross out Americans.
Now, I’m a relatively adventurous eater. On the trip where I tried blood sausage I also ate cow thymus (Sweet Breads) and would do it again, ‘cause it tasted good. Not the blood sausage though. It didn’t even taste that bad, it was just bland. However, the texture, coupled with the fact that you are basically eating a clotting mechanism… eugh.

Those three tips should be a good start. And remember, you’re on vacation, live it up! Expand your horizons, do things you wouldn’t normally do. Normally have drab tastes? Wear something flashy. Normally an introvert? Try karaoke. Are you usually a buttoned down, boring decision maker? Rip off a bunch of bikers for their meth money, join an underground yakuza fight club, mix it up!!

THE ROBOT APOCALYPSE IS COMING!!!

JAPAN!?!? Cool your effin' jets!! A robot that can mimic facial expressions?! SERIOUSLY!? Why would anyone EVER need this? EVER!?! Do the Japanese not watch movies?! Don't they know that as soon as Will Smith is too old to fight robots, we're all screwed?!

I propose new regulations for Robotic construction. Robots msut only have one (1) leg for limited mobility, and there must be a large button on their back that, when pressed, causes them to explode. And NEVER, ABSOLUTELY NEVER, under any cirsumstances will robots be made waterproof or given the ability to fly...

When the robot apocalypse arrives, my stock holdings in the super soakers corporation will finally pay off.

This video made me vomit. Human or... killing machine that doesn't like to be poked in the face?

After Brief Quest Ted Finds Twix

For the past few improv practices, due to the absence of twix in the new company vending machine, Paul Nellis has been raging like a dinosaur in heat. "There have been a lot of neck snaps" said Nick DiCola, commenting on how Nellis' mood has effected practice. John Zaffino squeaked "I'm just so scared," and ducked as a fake brick zoomed by his delicate face. "I don't know, he's always like this" declared Nicole Baccanti, GCI's Lady Gaga expert and "reality-check" officer.

With all this suffering, something had to be done. Local heartthrob, and pre-teen celebrity, Ted Limpert decided to take it upon himself to solve this disaster. The answer was obvious; it was time for a quest. A quest to cure the rage-riddled Paul Nellis. A quest not unlike one where the only antidote grows on a plant that just so happens to only be located on the rocky cliff-face of broken-glass-volcano-mountain. Ted gathered his things and set off not knowing what lied ahead, or if he would ever see his friends again...


"It took me about 20 seconds" Limpert declared, with a charmingly indifferent shrug, upon his surprising return. "It took me about 20 seconds to find. I walked down a few stairs and there was another machine that had twix in it." Paul's rage was calmed only for a few moments as he ravaged the twix and then proceeded to fall asleep. "He's my hero" proclaimed DiCola. "You know, he's not just devilishly handsome, he's complex, he can do stuff too" swooned Liam Scahill and Danielle Erway in unison.

Another crisis averted, another grown-up-child saved. Thank you Ted Limpert may you fly high on the wings of an eagle and continue to watch over this fair city.

Paul Nellis views new vending machine with fewer options at Geva as great injustice.

An irate Paul Nellis arrived at Improv practice Monday evening twiddling an unused one-dollar bill. "What the happened to the vending machine upstairs?" he asked before launching into an irate tirade. "There's no Twix in the machine! And we've traded bottles of Pepsi for cans of Coke! WTF?!?!?"

Cast member Danielle Erway attempted to soothe the rattled Nellis by pointing out that the new vending machine is cheaper, but Nellis could not be swayed. "I tried to tell him how cool the machine is. It's totally out of the '70's. He usually likes retro stuff," she commented later.

Shortly after his rant, Nellis disappeared and returned with a can of A&W Root Beer and some Reese's Peanut Butter cups.

The Weather Report from Ted

The temperature change is making me sick... literally, disgusted. I will pardon mother nature, but could downtown buidlings get with the program and turn down the thermostat. Come ON! I'm sweatin' my balloons off in here.