TOO HOTT TO... EMPLOY!?!?

JUNE 4th, 2010
NEWS BULLETIN: CITIBANK FIRES MILF

Apparently, Citibank has just unlawfully fired a woman because she was "too hott." Now, of course, Citibank denies this claim but after some in-depth research I am inclined to believe this self-described "normal woman," as I'm sure a jury of horny teenagers will no doubt agree...

Exhibit A


Exhibit Beeehhoooobs

QUOTE HER LAWYER: "All it came down to was, 'We don't want to deal with you, because you're just too good looking.'"

I'm not here to place blame, but I think it's fairly obvious that Citibank employee's "distractions" are not at all their fault. Take for example these comments that were secretly recorded at Citibank's office while Ms. Lorenzana happened to stroll by wearing "designer" clothes:

"Hey Jack, any update on the jaa.... HOOO MY GOD, I JUST STAPLED MY HAND TO THE FAX MACHINE!!!"

"I knew I shouldn't have worn sweat pants on casual Friday..."

"Boobs."

And, here is some footage caught on a Citibank surveillance camera:



This is just down right despicable. I mean geeze lady, how do you expect grown men NOT to act like they are just starting puberty? 'I can't help it that I have curves,' Lorenzana told the Daily News. 'And I'm not going to go eat and gain 50 or 100 pounds because my job wants me to be the same size as everyone else.' Ummm... I think you just answered your own question there Ms. Lorenzana.

This whole situation brings up a very important question that I truly believe is burning a hole in the mind of all the good-hearted GCI fans out there: Why do I, Ted Limpert, still have my job?!?! I mean seriously, I never hesitate to flaunt my bodacious curves and chasm-like cleavage around the office. My co-workers are always complaining that I am the source of constant distraction and they can't look away when I bring a banana for lunch or have my daily afternoon popsicle.

Exhibit A


Exhibit BEEEE-UTIFUL!


You can't expect me to just go out and gain 50 or 100 pounds so I look like everyone else, and I refuse to stop wearing women's designer clothes! In the words of the ancient Greek philosopher Plato "It's my hott body, I do what I want."

So, on behalf of super sexy, dangerously vivacious employees everywhere I send my support to Ms. Lorenzana in her battle against Citibank. It will be an uphill battle, it will be a long and haaarrr..... HOOOO MY GOT I JUST STAPLED MY HAND TO MY LEG!!!!

Liam and John Eat the Foods

This past Saturday Liam and I went to KFC to try the new Double down sandwich. For those of you that don’t know, the Double down is a sandwich consisting of bacon, cheese, and mayonnaise sauce, with fried chicken breasts filling in for the role of the bread (!!!). Now, I gotta say, I love the concept of this sandwich based on balls alone. I can’t help but fantasize about it’s creation: Late night, after the KFC corporate Christmas party, Jerry walks into the lab hammered with a sketch he’s been working on. He wakes up in the morning ashamed and fearing for his job after the copy machine incident from the night before; when he looks down to see his salvation. Jerry runs to his boss’s office carrying his new ‘sandwich’, saving his job. They kick around names, with the leaders being the “Aorta No More-ta” and the “Take That, Colon!!”. Jerry’s boss decides to get twice as many people in the office pitching names, to “double down” their efforts. And just like that, we have a new American classic. I would like to salute you KFC. But first I have to salute anyone who plans on being a heart surgeon in the future; You’re gonna have your hands full…

An Open Letter to Christina Aguilera

Christina Aguilera, put on your pants young lady!

Christina (or Xtina?), there is no denying your phenomenal voice. Your voice is very large which is surprising because you are very little! It is a bit frightening! I know this, because I went to see you live and you scared me a little (Editor’s note: You scared me a lot) because your speaking voice is soft, but when you belt out, you melt faces! My face was one of them. This is not what one would expect out of a small, blonde lady. Ms. Aguilera you are indeed talented.

Having said that, I do not understand this video you got going on here. What the hell is this? You do not need to wear PVC boots. Between you and me (and the GCI community) you can really sing as compared to your contemporaries (love you Britney, but girl, you know you can’t sing). That’s your calling card, your majestic unicorn voice. Let Gaga be Gaga (living performance art that is freaky but lovable). Let Madonna be Madonna (Demanding your attention AT ANY COST, but also lovable). You just be Christina Aguilera, not Xtina. Don’t crawl on the floor and lick up that milk. Stop dancing in that church. Leave that nice tied up lady alone.

Christina Aguilera, put on your pants young lady!

Respectfully yours,

Nicole

Lightning Bold, Lightning Bolt, Lightning Bolt!

Who has no nose, spider fingers, a distaste for gay wizards, and wants to filibuster the hell out of financial reform?

This guy.

That's right, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is getting into politics. I know, because I saw this on the back of someones car.

I can only assume that his presence on the Republican ticket is another attempt to rally the party. It seems that republicans are looking to hit all angles, Sarah Palin reaches out to moose hunters and snowmobile owners, Glenn Beck reaches out to crazy people, and now Lord Voldemort will attempt to garner support among stay-at-home moms and super nerds all accross the country.

Whatever happens, I'm going to start practicing my incantations, in case there's a showdown. I mean, I don't want to get owned by Draco Malfoy, that kid is a huge tool.
Expelliarum Lightning boltus!

Whooooooooo's in the hoooouse?

Hello all,

Welcome to my first blog post. I am your fashionably late host, Dani. I was introduced to a video today and it made me laugh so hard I had to pass it on. Some of you may have seen it, the girl who was in the video was such a hit on Youtube that she became a guest on the Ellen Degeneres Show. All I can say is that, if this is what getting your wisdom teeth out is like, SIGN ME UP!!

www.youtube.com/v/AvLbPdBQupE&hl=en_US&fs=1&rel=0">

JZ's Unsolicited Advice Column: Travel Edition

Hey everybody, John here. As the “Spring-Break” season dawns on us once again, people begin making plans for the annual exodus from where we live to warmer, more booze-soaked locales. Nothing says “goodbye winter” like having a big guy forcibly pour tequila down your gullet while loudly blowing a whistle. However, even the best planned vacation can go astray; especially if you make the wrong moves in a foreign country. In the interest of helping our readers avoid run-ins with the federales, and not become unwitting drug-mules, I offer JZ’s tips for traveling abroad:

Tip #1: Pack smart – When going to another country, one never truly knows what one will encounter. While this provides a certain level of uncertainty, a smart traveler can stack the deck in their favor by bringing helpful items on each of their trips. These items include: granola bars, a water bottle, a flashlight, a hand pumped water filtration system, a passport, a phony passport with a different name, a decent suit for court appearances, a set of brass knuckles*, a fake mustache, bribe money, and a comfortable pair of shoes.
*(Brass Knuckles are outlawed in the United States as a “concealed weapon”. However, they are great for foreign travel…. because they’re so easy to conceal)
Packing the right items can prepare you for several contingencies or, worst-case, provide you with stuff to trade for a trip home.

Tip #2 : Let ‘em know where you’re from – If there’s one thing people abroad are impressed with, it’s the land of cowboys and movie stars. It is because of this international idolization that it’s important you let everyone know that you are American, and therefore subject to preferential treatment. It’s important to educate people on your American-ness when you are cutting in a line or yelling at a cabbie that doesn’t speak English, for example. One caveat to “dropping the A bomb” is, if done in Europe, it must immediately be noted that we saved/ kicked their country’s sorry ass in WWII.

Tip #3: Avoid blood sausage – Picture a sausage. Now take out all the meat. You still have all the spices, maybe tiny bits of minced onion, and some other sausage-y flavors. Now where there was meat, put…scab. That’s right! A big, warm, wet scab!!! Why they eat this in other countries is beyond me. I guess it’s a throw back to the old days when every part of the animal was used to gross out Americans.
Now, I’m a relatively adventurous eater. On the trip where I tried blood sausage I also ate cow thymus (Sweet Breads) and would do it again, ‘cause it tasted good. Not the blood sausage though. It didn’t even taste that bad, it was just bland. However, the texture, coupled with the fact that you are basically eating a clotting mechanism… eugh.

Those three tips should be a good start. And remember, you’re on vacation, live it up! Expand your horizons, do things you wouldn’t normally do. Normally have drab tastes? Wear something flashy. Normally an introvert? Try karaoke. Are you usually a buttoned down, boring decision maker? Rip off a bunch of bikers for their meth money, join an underground yakuza fight club, mix it up!!

THE ROBOT APOCALYPSE IS COMING!!!

JAPAN!?!? Cool your effin' jets!! A robot that can mimic facial expressions?! SERIOUSLY!? Why would anyone EVER need this? EVER!?! Do the Japanese not watch movies?! Don't they know that as soon as Will Smith is too old to fight robots, we're all screwed?!

I propose new regulations for Robotic construction. Robots msut only have one (1) leg for limited mobility, and there must be a large button on their back that, when pressed, causes them to explode. And NEVER, ABSOLUTELY NEVER, under any cirsumstances will robots be made waterproof or given the ability to fly...

When the robot apocalypse arrives, my stock holdings in the super soakers corporation will finally pay off.

This video made me vomit. Human or... killing machine that doesn't like to be poked in the face?

After Brief Quest Ted Finds Twix

For the past few improv practices, due to the absence of twix in the new company vending machine, Paul Nellis has been raging like a dinosaur in heat. "There have been a lot of neck snaps" said Nick DiCola, commenting on how Nellis' mood has effected practice. John Zaffino squeaked "I'm just so scared," and ducked as a fake brick zoomed by his delicate face. "I don't know, he's always like this" declared Nicole Baccanti, GCI's Lady Gaga expert and "reality-check" officer.

With all this suffering, something had to be done. Local heartthrob, and pre-teen celebrity, Ted Limpert decided to take it upon himself to solve this disaster. The answer was obvious; it was time for a quest. A quest to cure the rage-riddled Paul Nellis. A quest not unlike one where the only antidote grows on a plant that just so happens to only be located on the rocky cliff-face of broken-glass-volcano-mountain. Ted gathered his things and set off not knowing what lied ahead, or if he would ever see his friends again...


"It took me about 20 seconds" Limpert declared, with a charmingly indifferent shrug, upon his surprising return. "It took me about 20 seconds to find. I walked down a few stairs and there was another machine that had twix in it." Paul's rage was calmed only for a few moments as he ravaged the twix and then proceeded to fall asleep. "He's my hero" proclaimed DiCola. "You know, he's not just devilishly handsome, he's complex, he can do stuff too" swooned Liam Scahill and Danielle Erway in unison.

Another crisis averted, another grown-up-child saved. Thank you Ted Limpert may you fly high on the wings of an eagle and continue to watch over this fair city.

Paul Nellis views new vending machine with fewer options at Geva as great injustice.

An irate Paul Nellis arrived at Improv practice Monday evening twiddling an unused one-dollar bill. "What the happened to the vending machine upstairs?" he asked before launching into an irate tirade. "There's no Twix in the machine! And we've traded bottles of Pepsi for cans of Coke! WTF?!?!?"

Cast member Danielle Erway attempted to soothe the rattled Nellis by pointing out that the new vending machine is cheaper, but Nellis could not be swayed. "I tried to tell him how cool the machine is. It's totally out of the '70's. He usually likes retro stuff," she commented later.

Shortly after his rant, Nellis disappeared and returned with a can of A&W Root Beer and some Reese's Peanut Butter cups.

The Weather Report from Ted

The temperature change is making me sick... literally, disgusted. I will pardon mother nature, but could downtown buidlings get with the program and turn down the thermostat. Come ON! I'm sweatin' my balloons off in here.

Nightmares come to life! Thanks Usher!

Fact: I once stayed under the table at Chuck E. Cheese for the duration of an entire birthday party because I was frozen with fear from the anamatronic robots. Obviously if they sang Usher, I would have been on that table dancing...at 3. Please enjoy the video and most importantly, enjoy your nightmares.

WORLD OF BOOM

Today's World of Boom celebrates two of my favorite things - Lego and lightsabers. Dear Science, when will we get lightsabers? Cuz it's been ages since we heard about them, and yet do we have even one working prototype? Get your head out of your cure for cancer, and FIGURE IT OUT. Ahem. Sorry. Anyway, the video:

Age Discrepency Results in Call to Action!!

Hey all, JZ here with some big news. As you may have heard, I recently found out that reading isn’t just for the weak and the dateless. This discovery lead me to a series of books that is well written, fast paced, action packed, and fun. The only down-side to this book series is that it’s intended for sixth-graders… The books are the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series, and my unabashed enjoyment of them has lead to a revelation: It’s ok to be a man-child!! While I’ve known I was a man-child since childhood, I always thought it was just something to be tolerated; like restless leg syndrome, or a beard. I have come to the realization, however that my fascination with televised violence, car chases and fart jokes is to be embraced. It is because of this realization that I have decided to start an organization: The Intrepid League of Man-Children, or the ILMC. The slogan is En El Ridiculum, Fructus. Which means In The Ridiculous, Enjoyment. We shall endeavor to partake in noble pursuits; such as learning to sword fight, watching Death-Race, and going on waterslides drunk!
I have to admit, the name of the organization is a bit of a misnomer, as women are perfectly welcome to join. All you need is an unashamed enjoyment of things that productive adults in society look down their boring noses at! We are currently taking recruits of all skill levels, so contact us at our Facebook account to sign up!

The Marriage Ref OR Catching A Glimpse Of What Hell Looks Like

Nothing makes me more physically ill than reality television. If I even catch a glimpse of anything hosted by Regis Philbin or Ryan Seacrest I die a little inside. My own personal hell would be watching a group of skeletons clamoring incessantly, trying desperately to become Paris Hilton's new bff, while engaged in an eternal dance battle with Danny Bonaducie and the situation, all the while being judged by David Hasselhoff, Kathy Griffin, and some random british asshole.

That in mind, I recently decided to watch the pilot episode of Jerry Seinfelds new show "The Marriage Ref." Needless to say I went in with low expectations. Extremely low. So low in fact that I would have been perfectly satisfied with being disgusted.

Instead it was like watching an ambulance crash into an orphanage on Christmas. I have never been so afraid. Jerry Seinfeld and Tom Papa took my brain out of my skull, flattened it out, and wore it as a bib while they giggled and skipped around like two little girls at a make believe tea party.

If you must know, the show is about Tom Papa (a relatively unknown nobody) and a panel of B-list celebrity 'experts' adjudicating the most ridiculous, blatantly scripted, marital disputes. However, if anyone asked me to describe this show in real life I would simply say "it's bad... really bad."

The whole time I was hoping to get some sort of respite from the celebrity guest panel --Alec Baldwin from 30 Rock, a glimmer of hope-- but there was none to be had. Baldwin seemed like an abused animal at a corporate circus, "fact checker" Natalie Morales was silently screaming "WHY?!", and Kelly Rippa proved that you can put lipstick on a pig but everyone knows it's still just Kelly Rippa. No one was even telling jokes, they were all just yelling and cackling at each other. It was like I was in a hot tub full of witches and I couldn't get out...

In the end my pain was all for naught. I was asking for it. I could have shut my computer and ran, but I didn't, I stayed in that hot tub and let those evil witches have their way with me. You win Jerry Seinfeld, you win. I watched your stupid show and reinforced for you the fact that you can do whatever the hell you want. I don't have a bajillion dollars and I don't have a tv sitcom named after me, all I can do is seek refuge in the self-aggrandizing glory hole that is the blogosphere. I'm gonna go cry and post my feelings on twitter.

The OK GOs need a real job...

Proving that yes, there ARE people out there with more time on their hands than us, the band OK Go have unleashed this video for their song, "This Too Shall Pass". I mean, c'mon - don't you have errands to do? Laundry to pick up? Taxes to audit? Where can I find a job that lets me sing and knock stuff over, to critical acclaim? Sigh. Back to my stupid life.

Also, this video rules. You go, OK Gos.

Cooking with Scookle

I could cook other things, but I mean, I really care a great deal for steak.

Broiled Montreal Seasoned Sirloin with Sauteed Baby Portabellas and Green Beans

-Wash your filthy hands
-Set broiler on low
-Tenderize steak...don't worry it likes it
-Rub steak with Montreal seasoning to taste(basically salt, black and red pepper, garlic, and paprika. You can also just buy this in the spice section of a grocery store)
-After the rub cover the steak with olive or basting oil
-In a large, hot frying pan brown steak on either side (bout two min a side)
-Line a cookie sheet with foil and coat the foil with the olive or bastin oil. Transfer steak to sheet and place in broiler.
-Cook until desired temperature, flipping occasionally
-When steak is about five min from done start the portabellas: Place pan on high heat, add a tbls. of butter. When butter is melted add the washed portabellas. Spinkle with cayenne pepper to taste.
-Turn heat down to med. and stir occasionally. When steak is done, so are the mushrooms.
-At some point during all of this cook some green beans. I just put a frozen bag of them in the microwave right after I start the portabellas.

I paired this meal with one or five Genny's.



Hope you enjoy,
Scookle

Isn't Tom Cruise Shorter Than a Midget?

Tonight it was brought up in discussion that the movie "Legend" is better than "Willow." I don't know much for sure except that The Beatles are better than The Monkeys, the Dodgers are never coming back to Brooklyn, and "Willow" is a better movie than "Legend," a MUCH better movie. "Legend?" Weak sauce. Unicorns? Lord of Darkness? Some Lord, he gets killed by a bunch of mirrors. "Oh no, don't stab me with your magical unicorn horn!" In "Legend" Tom Cruise stars as "Jack," a forest recluse. Really? A forest recluse? Well when he is done playing with Christopher Robin in the 100 Acre Wood, maybe he can step his hero game up and come play with the big boys in "Willow." Val Kilmer stars in "Willow" as "Madmartigan," and in case you didn't know he is the greatest swordsman that ever lived...recognize. "Willow" made more money, was nominated for more Academy awards, it's funnier, it has little people, pocket sized people, a two headed dragon, and oh yeah...death dogs.

Terminator takes groin kick in his stride...

Temporarily distracted from his time-bending quest to assassinate John Connor, a Cyberdyne T-101 Terminator takes a moment to shrug off an atomic nut-buster kick to his fun-zone. Said the polymetal endoskeleton following the devastating assault, "I need your clothes, your boots, your motorcycle, and some ice packs," before retiring to a dressing room and breathing heavily into a brown paper bag for the next 2 hours. World of Boom policy usually restricts the awarding of medals to cybernetic killing machines, but in this case, you sir, have earned yourself the World of Boom Impervious Titanium Junk Cup. God speed, brave silicon eunuch. Footage below:

Cyber Team Omega: Secretly Protecting GCI from itself since 2005

I received the following email today to the GCI email account. To the untrained eye, this clearly appears to be SPAM mail; to those of us in the GCI inner circle, well, we know better: ----------------------------------------------------------------- re Mcgee1941 [Mcgee1941@gmx.net] Sent: Monday, February 08, 2010 3:22 PM To: Geva Comedy Improv Attachments:

Hey, some jerk has posted your pictures (u understand what kind of pictures are there) and sent a link of them to all ur friends. I have already replied back. Said, that he is an idiot. See the link: (LINK REMOVED FOR SECURITY PURPOSES) Royal Mcgee ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Back in March of 2005, GCI began to compile a portfolio of photos (u understand what kind) and then hired a crack-team of cyber experts (Cyber Team Omega) to troll the inter-webs in the event our security measures fail and some dubious mastermind (a.ka. jerk) sends a link of said pictures to all of our friends. Empowered by an initiative called "The 14th Protocol", any such security breach requires the agents of Cyber Team Omega to: "...once breach is confirmed, reply immediately back to the link and inform the individual that he/she is an idiot. Recap the sequence of events (in 40 words or less), include the masked link (for security purposes) and identify your post via the official GCI list of approved code names, document VUF-198765..." Well done Cyber Team Omega Agent Royal Mcgee - well done indeed. Your diligence and loyalty will be rewarded. Proceed to drop location 306-A.

Natural (Devastating?) occurrences brought on by Nick's literary whim!

Have you heard the news? Do you know what the going's on in the Pacific Ocean are? The signs are all there. GIANT SQUIDS. Giant squids are taking over the waters off the coast of California. I find this quite remarkable. It may be a little known fact that my childhood ran wild in California and like the classic Eagles' song, Hotel California says, "You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave." These lyrics help to illustrate my deep connection's role in the onslaught of Giant squids...

Not more than a week ago, the same time the squids were first spotted, I began reading Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters, by Jane Austen and Ben H. Winters (The same authors as JZ's recent read Pride and Prejudice and Zombies).

Is the presence of these Giant Squids a coincidence, or do I now inadvertently control forces of nature based on my literary interest at that moment. I still have quite a few chapters ahead of me and we shall see if the "sport" of hunting these peaceable creatures will go unpunished? I will keep you in the loop and with a swish and quirt of ink, I am out.

Check this link for details!

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/northamerica/usa/7132890/Giant-squid-invade-California.html