Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Faunal Fury Forges Feud for House of TNT

"An Englishman's home is his castle." Though no Englishman resides in the house of Ted, Nick, and TR, (the dynamite triumvirate henceforth known as TNT) we regard our domicile as a king would his castle. Due to recent events, our apartment seems to have become a breeding ground of unwanted animal activity. No, not literally animals breeding, but strange occurrences and uncharacteristic boldness of local creatures.

The first event went down a few weeks ago. During the heat of late July and a solitary fit of ennui from our then house guest Laura, a batch of brownies found themselves freshly made and placed on the counter to await dreaded consumption. I was away that afternoon, but returned to a pan of shredded brownies in the sink and a chewed screen in the kitchen window. To my understanding, a big-ass squirrel had the nerve to chew a hole through our screen and romp around in our brownie pan! It was a huge corralling effort on behalf of our roommates but it ran out through the door in the end.

Eventually other creatures like ants started appearing around our kitchen sink, stealing crumbs. We noticed a hive of wasps above one of our windows. These little friends of ours like to hang out with us on our porch and fly into our packets of hot dogs yet to be grilled, and then into the grill itself.

A couple weeks later, Ted and TR returned from a clam bake in Rhode Island bringing with them all the leftovers, bags of cookies (chocolate chip and Heath) that TR's mother baked for us. The morning after theei return, I found a shredded plastic bag of the chocolate chip cookies in the sink and a trail of crumbs leading to the window where the hole that was there before now was double in size. TWO BATCHES OF FRESH BAKED GOODS HAVE BEEN DESTROYED. That squirrel dared to do it again. I saw him, the fat little tard on the fence looking into the kitchen, wondering when I would leave so it can chew its way in again and leave me a pellet of gratitude.

Damn squirrels.

The next day was another strange occurrence. I was leaving the apartment to go back to work when I saw, on our porch, two creatures parting ways. The larger one flew away across the street and the smaller one fell straight to the floor.

A hawk had killed and beheaded a pigeon on our front porch. The feathers from the incident were all over the floor, on our furniture and stuck to little niblets of bird offal hear and there. I, of course, had to go to work but I made sure I got proof of the carnage that happened on our porch. Ted was the first to return home to all of the mess.

Yes...our windows in the kitchen are now kept closed with now air passing through. Yes...we now have 3 ant hotels around our sink, our porch is equipped with wasp killer, and yes...we're hoping that the next hawk victim on our porch is a cute, fat, innocent little squirrel. But we will not live in fear of animals taking over our home.

We are ready for the next crazy occurrence, in fact we invite you animals, but just remember, if you mess with TNT, you get...exploded!

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