Thursday, October 08, 2009

Zombie's Attack... WWJD?

With the epic "Improv of the Living Dead" show fast approaching, I have been brushing up on my survival skills, hoping to increase my probability of long-term, post-disaster endurance. But how does one prepare for the unpredictable? Well, how about taking a facebook quiz.

In general, I try to steer clear of Facebook quizzes and apps, it helps me to deny my fixation and ultimate dependency on technology, but I had to know... HOW LONG WILL I SURVIVE? The quiz asks the obvious question of what would would one equip oneself with: which melee weapon, what would you throw, what pet would you deploy, et cetera, et cetera. So, I chose the obvious answers: Katana, frag grenades, and a bear. I was overjoyed when I got the result of two weeks... TWO WEEKS! I thought "yeah, that sounds reasonable, I can do that!" However, it was not long before self-doubt began to infect my positive thinking...

Questions flew through my mind: Where am I going to find frag grenades? How will I convince "Pongo," my pet bear, to defend me? Isn't Katana that chick from Mortal Kombat?! Two weeks is an awfully long time. Then I thought "hold on a second, do I even want to last two weeks?" Move over doubt, here comes depression and self-loathing. If everyone else is already a Zombie, wouldn't I rather just join the brain-eating party? What if I have to repopulate the world all by myself? Does Katana even want to have children? Isn't she like 10,000 years old? Who knows where she's been? Gross.

The only way I pulled out of this slump was by finding hope in a dream, one in which I was trapped in a house boat by the government, much like in Quarantine (see it, it will mess you up!), but instead of a zombie-like disease my fellow prisoners and I turned into vampires. The boat sank, and I swam, then flew to safety.

So, now I have returned to a state of detached curiosity, seeking solace in the survive-ability of others. Who else would be around after the frag grenades hit the fan? I find myself wondering about all kinds of people. How long would Genghis Khan have survived? Would Tango and Cash make it? Now, I am not a god-fearing man, and I've never seriously asked this question, but if zombies did attack... What Would Jesus Do? Am I right? I mean, I'm interested. Then I wonder WWOD? What Would Obama Do? Better yet, what would Dick Cheney do? He obviously wouldn't blink an eye, if he had to shoot a friend in the head.

Anyway, that's all for now, I wish you the best of luck in your own personal struggles with the question of survive-ability. Meanwhile, go see the new movie Zombieland AND check out our ZOMBIE SHOW on October 24th at 10:30pm.

Fondly yours,



  1. Rachel12:09 AM

    Evidently, Obama would lay down those flag grenades and attempt to broker a peace agreement.

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. Ted, I wouldn't hesitate to cave in your skull with a cricket bat if you went brain-hungry on me. I might do it anyway...just in case, y'know?