Letter From Heaven

Good day everyone!

And what a glorious day it is! Well, for me anyway. You see, I was picked up by God yesterday in the Rapture. It turns out most of the people on Earth weren't worthy of getting beamed up to heaven...so little people were saved, in fact, that people just assumed it didn't happen. Well it did. Jesus is a pretty cool guy, though. Kind of like a mix between The Dude and Mr. Rogers. He knows people don't believe the Rapture actually happened, so He let me write you this letter from Heaven to prove it to you all.

What's it like in Heaven? It's everything you ever dreamed it to be and so much more. I just got done Snappin' it to a Slim Jim with Randy Savage. In an hour (which is like 40 years for you) I'm going to take dance lessons with Michael Jackson (I know, I was surprised he made it up here, too). After that we're all sitting down for our Daily Last Supper with Julia childs. Then we're attending a welcoming party for Zsa Zsa Gabor. This is the third one we've planned for her...it keeps getting postponed for whatever reason, but it's ok. People just go with the flow up here.

Although Heaven is super cool, I will say that I am a little disappointed that so few people were picked up yesterday. You guys must have really been Super Sinners, because God only needed one holy minivan to pick up His chosen people. It was just me, Paula Poundstone, Bono, Richard Simmons, and an 87-year-old librarian from Elk City, Idaho. Jesus was going to pick up Justin Timberlake, too, but even the Big Guy Upstairs was excited to watch him host the season finale of SNL.

So, this is it. This is my pious goodbye to all you sinners. To my family, I love you all and hope to see you soon. To my fellow Geva Comedy Improvers, I tried to put in a good word for you, but God wants me to give you this message: "Enjoy the REAL Gevapocalypse suckas!" I'm not sure what it means, but I've been told not to question things up here.

Enjoy your natural disasters,

Dani