Rules of Clubbing: A Boring Lady’s Guide to “Getting Wild.”

This weekend I did something that I haven’t done before.

No, I did not turn into a werewolf! It was only a half moon.

I went to a nightclub. Sober.

With a set of teetotaler eyes, I saw things in a nightclub that I don’t believe most have noticed before. Therefore, I have compiled a list of rules for you to follow if you ever find yourself in a similar situation.

Rule #1: Don’t ask questions.
Questions are for losers. Asking questions would imply that you are unsure of things or yourself. You aren’t! You are in a club and you are boss. Although all questions should be avoided, these questions are particularly problematic:
“Why is this Monster and vodka thirteen dollars?”
“Does that girl know I can see her underwear?”
“Does that girl know she isn’t wearing underwear?”
Shut it and drink your appletini!

Rule #2: Dancing on tables is for closers!
Lots of girls like to dance on tables! Neat! I mean, I respect furniture/ am scared of heights, so it isn’t for me. If you dance on a table, you will get attention. Attention in a club is mostly the best. Plus there is a chance you will get on the club tv. It’s kind of like the JumboTron at a basketball game, but much sadder.

Rule #3: Pictures are essential.
Take lots of pictures. You look great and you feel great! Moments like this should be documented. Bonus points if you pucker your lips in every picture. Very attractive!

Rule #4: Go to the bathroom in very large groups.
That just makes sense. Also hold hands when you walk to the bathroom like a kindergarten class walking to gym. This makes you more adorable to the opposite or same sex! No judge-o.

Rule #5: Pair off with someone who you normally be repulsed by.
Alone at a club? You are pathetic sir/mam. Find someone. Who cares if they look like a child molester? It’s better than being alone! If your dress starts to fall down, they will help it fall all the way down!

Rule #6: Public sexual acts are acceptable.
Let guys put their hand up your dress. You are a modern woman in control of your life. Throw caution to the wind! Pairing this with Rule #4 is somehow okay.

Rule #7: Give up.
Drink. Drink a lot. I did. Rules 1 through 6 become a lot easier to understand.

I hope these rules are helpful to your next clubbing experience. Please let me know because I am never going back. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to put in my retainer and go to bed. Goodnight!