Welcome to the first installment of Paul Nellis's Cooking Tips for Bachelors. Are you a lazy male, living on his own? Do you have little / no interest in eating healthy? Do you want it hot, and do you want it now? This blog will help you deal with some of the common frustrations of keeping a kitchen and cooking great food.
The Problem: Milk will spoil after a few weeks in the fridge.
For years, I've dealt with the frustration of buying milk to cook with, only to then have it spoil when I can't use it all in a few days. I've tried buying smaller quantities, 1/2 gallons... pints... but no matter what it ends up going bad.
The Solution: Never buy milk again. Replace milk with butter in all recipes that call for milk.
This works people. Milk is completely unnecessary for cooking. If a cake recipe calls for 1/2 a cup of butter and 1/2 a cup of milk, forget the milk and just throw in a whole cup of butter. Your cakes will never taste the same. Your cakes will taste amazing. Take the leap of faith, this will change your life. You'll never have to throw out bad milk again.
And what a glorious day it is! Well, for me anyway. You see, I was picked up by God yesterday in the Rapture. It turns out most of the people on Earth weren't worthy of getting beamed up to heaven...so little people were saved, in fact, that people just assumed it didn't happen. Well it did. Jesus is a pretty cool guy, though. Kind of like a mix between The Dude and Mr. Rogers. He knows people don't believe the Rapture actually happened, so He let me write you this letter from Heaven to prove it to you all.
What's it like in Heaven? It's everything you ever dreamed it to be and so much more. I just got done Snappin' it to a Slim Jim with Randy Savage. In an hour (which is like 40 years for you) I'm going to take dance lessons with Michael Jackson (I know, I was surprised he made it up here, too). After that we're all sitting down for our Daily Last Supper with Julia childs. Then we're attending a welcoming party for Zsa Zsa Gabor. This is the third one we've planned for her...it keeps getting postponed for whatever reason, but it's ok. People just go with the flow up here.
Although Heaven is super cool, I will say that I am a little disappointed that so few people were picked up yesterday. You guys must have really been Super Sinners, because God only needed one holy minivan to pick up His chosen people. It was just me, Paula Poundstone, Bono, Richard Simmons, and an 87-year-old librarian from Elk City, Idaho. Jesus was going to pick up Justin Timberlake, too, but even the Big Guy Upstairs was excited to watch him host the season finale of SNL.
So, this is it. This is my pious goodbye to all you sinners. To my family, I love you all and hope to see you soon. To my fellow Geva Comedy Improvers, I tried to put in a good word for you, but God wants me to give you this message: "Enjoy the REAL Gevapocalypse suckas!" I'm not sure what it means, but I've been told not to question things up here.
This weekend I did something that I haven’t done before.
No, I did not turn into a werewolf! It was only a half moon.
I went to a nightclub. Sober.
With a set of teetotaler eyes, I saw things in a nightclub that I don’t believe most have noticed before. Therefore, I have compiled a list of rules for you to follow if you ever find yourself in a similar situation.
Rule #1: Don’t ask questions. Questions are for losers. Asking questions would imply that you are unsure of things or yourself. You aren’t! You are in a club and you are boss. Although all questions should be avoided, these questions are particularly problematic: “Why is this Monster and vodka thirteen dollars?” “Does that girl know I can see her underwear?” “Does that girl know she isn’t wearing underwear?” Shut it and drink your appletini!
Rule #2: Dancing on tables is for closers! Lots of girls like to dance on tables! Neat! I mean, I respect furniture/ am scared of heights, so it isn’t for me. If you dance on a table, you will get attention. Attention in a club is mostly the best. Plus there is a chance you will get on the club tv. It’s kind of like the JumboTron at a basketball game, but much sadder.
Rule #3: Pictures are essential. Take lots of pictures. You look great and you feel great! Moments like this should be documented. Bonus points if you pucker your lips in every picture. Very attractive!
Rule #4: Go to the bathroom in very large groups. That just makes sense. Also hold hands when you walk to the bathroom like a kindergarten class walking to gym. This makes you more adorable to the opposite or same sex! No judge-o.
Rule #5: Pair off with someone who you normally be repulsed by. Alone at a club? You are pathetic sir/mam. Find someone. Who cares if they look like a child molester? It’s better than being alone! If your dress starts to fall down, they will help it fall all the way down!
Rule #6: Public sexual acts are acceptable. Let guys put their hand up your dress. You are a modern woman in control of your life. Throw caution to the wind! Pairing this with Rule #4 is somehow okay.
Rule #7: Give up. Drink. Drink a lot. I did. Rules 1 through 6 become a lot easier to understand.
I hope these rules are helpful to your next clubbing experience. Please let me know because I am never going back. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to put in my retainer and go to bed. Goodnight!
There's a quote by Nietzsche that says "If you stare into the Abyss long enough the Abyss stares back at you." It's the first thing that I thought of when confronted with this culinary abomination, unleashed to destroy Thanksgiving and all of Mankind in one, epic calorie deathstrike. Ladies and Gentlemen - the TurBacon Epic.
Via geekologie.com, it consists of: "a 20lb pig stuffed with an 8lb turkey, 6lb duck, 4lb chicken (not from can), a cornish hen and quail, bacon croissant stuffing and ten pounds of wrapped bacon between layers, glazed with 6lbs of butter and 2 liters of Doctor Pepper and garnished with a bunch of Baconator cheeseburgers"
That screaming you can hear? That's your heart, when it hears about the grand total of 79,046 calories and 6,892 grams of fat.
Aaah, Columbus Day. Since I was a wee child, this holiday has delighted me because it was the first school holiday of the year. That, and my mom always scheduled me to have my teeth cleaned on this day. There's nothing like the taste of flouride. I digress...
But as I've grown older, I find it odd that we honor a man who discovered this country accidentally, and began the annihilation of an entire group of indigenous people. Now, don't call me un-American; I love paid days off just like the rest of my country. I just think we should be more careful about who/what we honor on our calendar.
My suggestion? Erase the Columbus Day holiday, and REPLACE it with MANY holidays that honor things that are ACTUALLY awesome.
Add these new holidays to your calendar for 2011:
January 3rd shall now be National Richard Simmons is Awesome Day! Richard Simmons, you ask? Why? WHY? WHY?!??! If you have ever seen this video, you understand why:
I rest my case. Next holiday:
February 15th is Bonobo Monkeys Day. Why? Because Bonobo monkeys are the hippies of the monkey world. They do the horizontal polka to say hello, goodbye, and to solve disputes. I kid you not. I watch animal documentaries A LOT. We should be more like them.
March 31st shall now be National Golden Girls Day. Dorothy, Rose, Sophia and Blanche have brought so much joy and laughter to the world, while tackling real-life issues. Everyone deserves to take the day off and watch Lifetime reruns, and soak in the valuable life lessons. Thank YOU for being a friend!
April 11th is now Celebration of the Best Food on the Planet Day- Pierogies!!! It's a combination of some of the tastiest foods on the planet: potatoes, pasta, cheese, and butter. You may not live a long life on an all-pierogie diet, but damnit you'll live a happy one. I triple dog dare you...
July 5th...Billy Joel Day! He's the best. This piano man loves me just the way I am, and when I hear his voice it sounds like a river of dreams. You get the picture.
With a face only a mother could love, call me Momma.
August 16th...Cotton Day! Come on, where would you be without cotton? You'd be naked. So would your neighbors. Let's be honest, silk is too expensive. Aren't you glad that cotton provides the fabric to keep strangers clothed? Let's celebrate the glories of cotton and it's cheapness!
And finally, to show everyone that American holidays don't HAVE to be all about America, September 13th shall be British Humor Day. Take the day off and watch some of your favorite British comedies. My personal favorite is Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
Ni!
Well, now you know where my priorities lie. What holidays would you add?
Greetings, World of Boom fans (or Boomadillos, as you will henceforth be dubbed). Season VIII is here, and in honor of the onstage pyrotechnics, allow me to kick off the new series with this footage of an Amazing Race contestant taking a watermelon to the face at incredible speed. Proof that your watermelon ballista is not a toy. Enjoy!
(GCI PRESS) ROCHESTER NY - In a bizarre turn of events, GCI castmember Danielle Erway has completely forgotten how to post on the GCI blog. In an email recently obtained from the GCI listserver, Erway stated the following:
"HEY! Is it just me being stupid or can no one else blog on the website? I need help...more so than usual."
After receiving no response for 3 days, Erway sent the following email:
"And did anyone get my email about the blog? Why can't I do it anymore? Someone help me or I will throw myself into the Genesee!"
Fearing she may actually follow through on her threat to submerse herself in the mighty river of Silver Nitrate (Thanks Kodak), an anonymous GCI cast member created this blog post in an effort to prove that the blog is indeed fully functional and operational, and to publicly ridicule Erway for her lack of knowledge and understanding of the world-wide interwebs.
All attempts to contact Erway for a comment have proven to be too technologically advanced for her to comprehend them. A pony express rider has been summarily dispatched and we will continue to update you on the status of this story over the course of the next 8-10 days.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Hi GCI Buddies!
It is my summer vacation! This is very exciting! However, I don't have very much money to spend on lavish trips and caviar massages. What's a gal to do? Work out until you pass out I say! It's cheap and I'll be able to consistently wear the clothes that I spent all my money on. (We are getting personal! Do you feel it?)
I will be working out to this video not because I am sad, but because it's very obviously THE BEST.
"This is JAMMIN!" - Diane Horner (Country Hip Hop Instructor, Hero, Incredible Dresser)
TR chose Legolas, the hottest, quasi-androgynous, pointy-eared shim ever to grace the middle-earth with his soft, baby hands. In TR's defense though, legolas does have some sweet bow skills (and vulptuous, angelic lady-lips).
Next up, and we all realize how unorthadox this is (but Liam's mom said we had to let her play), is the only woman who participated in the draft (Dani refused to be a part of it because of "spiritual differences," she threatened to kill anyone who even metioned the league in her presence). But, I guess if Peter Jackson can develop a vaguely-sexual female story-line/love-plot in the middle of Tolkien's phantasmic, homo-erotic epic, than we can humor Nicole while she attempts to play with the big boys (READ: huge dweebs).
Here is Nicole's pick, Susan B. Anthony would be proud.
In preparation for their full-length improvised fantasy epic show in June, GCI has created a cinematic movie trailer. We hope you love it in the face as much as we do.
Show info: Geva Comedy Improv June 25th and 26th 7:30pm Tickets - $10
I've already blogged about Turkish Star Wars, so it's clear my cinematic loyalties lie with the drug-fueled lunatic fringe of film-makers. In their honor then, allow me to present you with this 'trailer' for Banglar King Kong. I say 'trailer,' because this might actually be the whole film. It's particularly telling that a piece of cinema has plunged off the deep end of reality when the dance sequences are the most realistic part of the film.
Special moments to look out for include:
1:15 - The dude dressed like a cabaret musketeer defeats his foes in a fist fight involving no actual physical contact.
1:32 - Gratuitous snake action.
1:45 - A song clearly dedicated to the noble banana.
2:03 - The Fancy Musketeer uses the deadly hurricane attack on a horde of natives.
3:19 - Cardboardtopia is ravaged beyond the aid of superglue and tape.
So, Ted was eliminated from the Fantasy Fantasy League pool because he is a damn dirty Harry Potter lover... and he's a super dweeb. Harry Potter has no place in this fantasy league. Harry Potter is to Fantasy Fantasy as pee wee football is to the XFL. You don't see Aragorn crying to his potentially gay professor or Madmartigan wetting his pants because of a "highly dangerous game of quidditch." And seriously Harry Potter, you have a friggin' cloak that makes you invisible and it didn't even once, for a split second, occur to you to go into the gryffindor locker room... how noobish is that?!?
Anyway, Ted is gone. We checked his notes, and his next pick was Nanny McPhee, so I think we're better off. Next up is TR, let's hope he gets things back on track.
After a grueling 10 seconds of comprehensive research on wikipedia, Geva Comedy Improv discovered that in 2007, over 29.9 million people participated in some type of a fantasy sports league. "Fantasy Sports is estimated to have a $3–$4 Billion annual economic impact across the sports industry" says wikipedia.
After this discovery, GCI's highly qualified team of innovation managers and SFPA (Sports for the Physically Awkward) experts went to work immediately to come up with the next big hit in fantasy game play. It was Liam, who is considered leader of the nerds for his unique ability to fraternize with "normal people," who had the fantasy league money shot:
"What if we developed a fantasy league that was more accessible to people like us; people who don't know who Labron James is or what side of the field he stands on, people who think an immaculate reception is related to a person's midi-chlorian count, people who aren't completely sure what the female anatomy 'really' looks like... Let's create a new fantasy league where WE are the experts, where WE know the stats, where WE are the heroes! To each of you I bequeath the power of Elrond, Lord of Rivendell, the power to draft a fellowship, to reforge Narsil, and to change fictional history forever! We shall call this new league... 'Fantasy Fantasy!'"
The GCI cast responded with a resounding "KAIYAAAA!!!" and from that point on it was magic. No, seriously. Literally, magic occurred. TR started doing magic tricks. It was probably the nerdiest sequence of events that has ever taken place anywhere...
Anyway, please enjoy the first installment of our new fantastical rotisserie:
GCI's FANTASY FANTASY LEAGUE DRAFT
Oh, and come to our shows: June 25th and 26th @ 7:30pm The Geva Nextstage $10 www.gevacomedyimprov.org
Apparently, Citibank has just unlawfully fired a woman because she was "too hott." Now, of course, Citibank denies this claim but after some in-depth research I am inclined to believe this self-described "normal woman," as I'm sure a jury of horny teenagers will no doubt agree...
Exhibit A
Exhibit Beeehhoooobs QUOTE HER LAWYER: "All it came down to was, 'We don't want to deal with you, because you're just too good looking.'"
I'm not here to place blame, but I think it's fairly obvious that Citibank employee's "distractions" are not at all their fault. Take for example these comments that were secretly recorded at Citibank's office while Ms. Lorenzana happened to stroll by wearing "designer" clothes:
"Hey Jack, any update on the jaa.... HOOO MY GOD, I JUST STAPLED MY HAND TO THE FAX MACHINE!!!"
"I knew I shouldn't have worn sweat pants on casual Friday..."
"Boobs."
And, here is some footage caught on a Citibank surveillance camera:
This is just down right despicable. I mean geeze lady, how do you expect grown men NOT to act like they are just starting puberty? 'I can't help it that I have curves,' Lorenzana told the Daily News. 'And I'm not going to go eat and gain 50 or 100 pounds because my job wants me to be the same size as everyone else.' Ummm... I think you just answered your own question there Ms. Lorenzana.
This whole situation brings up a very important question that I truly believe is burning a hole in the mind of all the good-hearted GCI fans out there: Why do I, Ted Limpert, still have my job?!?! I mean seriously, I never hesitate to flaunt my bodacious curves and chasm-like cleavage around the office. My co-workers are always complaining that I am the source of constant distraction and they can't look away when I bring a banana for lunch or have my daily afternoon popsicle.
Exhibit A
Exhibit BEEEE-UTIFUL!
You can't expect me to just go out and gain 50 or 100 pounds so I look like everyone else, and I refuse to stop wearing women's designer clothes! In the words of the ancient Greek philosopher Plato "It's my hott body, I do what I want."
So, on behalf of super sexy, dangerously vivacious employees everywhere I send my support to Ms. Lorenzana in her battle against Citibank. It will be an uphill battle, it will be a long and haaarrr..... HOOOO MY GOT I JUST STAPLED MY HAND TO MY LEG!!!!
Posts
