Letter From Heaven

Good day everyone!

And what a glorious day it is! Well, for me anyway. You see, I was picked up by God yesterday in the Rapture. It turns out most of the people on Earth weren't worthy of getting beamed up to heaven...so little people were saved, in fact, that people just assumed it didn't happen. Well it did. Jesus is a pretty cool guy, though. Kind of like a mix between The Dude and Mr. Rogers. He knows people don't believe the Rapture actually happened, so He let me write you this letter from Heaven to prove it to you all.

What's it like in Heaven? It's everything you ever dreamed it to be and so much more. I just got done Snappin' it to a Slim Jim with Randy Savage. In an hour (which is like 40 years for you) I'm going to take dance lessons with Michael Jackson (I know, I was surprised he made it up here, too). After that we're all sitting down for our Daily Last Supper with Julia childs. Then we're attending a welcoming party for Zsa Zsa Gabor. This is the third one we've planned for her...it keeps getting postponed for whatever reason, but it's ok. People just go with the flow up here.

Although Heaven is super cool, I will say that I am a little disappointed that so few people were picked up yesterday. You guys must have really been Super Sinners, because God only needed one holy minivan to pick up His chosen people. It was just me, Paula Poundstone, Bono, Richard Simmons, and an 87-year-old librarian from Elk City, Idaho. Jesus was going to pick up Justin Timberlake, too, but even the Big Guy Upstairs was excited to watch him host the season finale of SNL.

So, this is it. This is my pious goodbye to all you sinners. To my family, I love you all and hope to see you soon. To my fellow Geva Comedy Improvers, I tried to put in a good word for you, but God wants me to give you this message: "Enjoy the REAL Gevapocalypse suckas!" I'm not sure what it means, but I've been told not to question things up here.

Enjoy your natural disasters,

Dani

Rules of Clubbing: A Boring Lady’s Guide to “Getting Wild.”

This weekend I did something that I haven’t done before.

No, I did not turn into a werewolf! It was only a half moon.

I went to a nightclub. Sober.

With a set of teetotaler eyes, I saw things in a nightclub that I don’t believe most have noticed before. Therefore, I have compiled a list of rules for you to follow if you ever find yourself in a similar situation.

Rule #1: Don’t ask questions.
Questions are for losers. Asking questions would imply that you are unsure of things or yourself. You aren’t! You are in a club and you are boss. Although all questions should be avoided, these questions are particularly problematic:
“Why is this Monster and vodka thirteen dollars?”
“Does that girl know I can see her underwear?”
“Does that girl know she isn’t wearing underwear?”
Shut it and drink your appletini!

Rule #2: Dancing on tables is for closers!
Lots of girls like to dance on tables! Neat! I mean, I respect furniture/ am scared of heights, so it isn’t for me. If you dance on a table, you will get attention. Attention in a club is mostly the best. Plus there is a chance you will get on the club tv. It’s kind of like the JumboTron at a basketball game, but much sadder.

Rule #3: Pictures are essential.
Take lots of pictures. You look great and you feel great! Moments like this should be documented. Bonus points if you pucker your lips in every picture. Very attractive!

Rule #4: Go to the bathroom in very large groups.
That just makes sense. Also hold hands when you walk to the bathroom like a kindergarten class walking to gym. This makes you more adorable to the opposite or same sex! No judge-o.

Rule #5: Pair off with someone who you normally be repulsed by.
Alone at a club? You are pathetic sir/mam. Find someone. Who cares if they look like a child molester? It’s better than being alone! If your dress starts to fall down, they will help it fall all the way down!

Rule #6: Public sexual acts are acceptable.
Let guys put their hand up your dress. You are a modern woman in control of your life. Throw caution to the wind! Pairing this with Rule #4 is somehow okay.

Rule #7: Give up.
Drink. Drink a lot. I did. Rules 1 through 6 become a lot easier to understand.

I hope these rules are helpful to your next clubbing experience. Please let me know because I am never going back. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to put in my retainer and go to bed. Goodnight!