New Species of Crab wishes it didn’t get Discovered

By T.R. (GCI SCIENCE WRITER)

TAIPEI, Taiwan (GCI) -- A marine biologist at National Taiwan Ocean University has confirmed that he and his research team have recently discovered a new species of crab off the coast of Southern Taiwan.

Dr. Ho Ping-ho stated that the new species, although similar to others found off the coasts of Hawaii, Polynesia and Mauritius, is unique due to its distinctive clam-shaped shell and an uncanny resemblance to a strawberry.

Although marine biologists and oceanographers around the world are abuzz about his find, not everyone shares in Dr. Ping-ho’s excitement - most notably, the newly discovered crab.

“Am I stoked about being discovered? Hell no - I’m a crab that looks like a strawberry…it’s [expletive] embarrassing!”, said one of the crabs who agreed to speak on the condition of anonymity.

“Look, we’ve managed to stay hidden for thousands of years keeping to ourselves. Most of our ocean peers just ignored us…then shit went crazy in the 80’s…you have no idea the daily ridicule we’ve been subjected to since that damn Strawberry Shortcake cartoon hit the airwaves!”



First entering pop culture in the late 1970’s as a series of greeting cards and dolls from American Greetings, Strawberry Shortcake and her cronies (Blueberry Muffin, Huckleberry Pie, Raspberry Tart, Apple Dumplin’ etc.) lived in a magical world called “Strawberryland” where they would routinely have altercations and “run-ins” with Strawberry Shortcake’s arch nemesis; The Peculiar Purple Pieman.

“Almost overnight, we were the laughing stock of the entire bottom-feeding Indo-Pacific oceanic community. We couldn’t awkwardly turn around by shuffling in a radial pattern without hearing some rude comment like:

’Hey everyone it’s Strawberry Crabcake!’ or ’Hey crab, I don’t care what everyone else is saying about you, I still like you berry, berry much!’

It was demoralizing…I remember wanting to crawl right out of my carapace and cry my compound eyes out, but somehow, I maintained a hardened exterior shell and turned a blind eyestalk to all the insults.”

Faced with the prospect of widespread terrestrial ridicule and alienation, the Strawberry Crab’s future psychological well being is uncertain.

“I’m not sure I can continue to muster the strength to hide under rocks and skitter about on the ocean floor like the adorable little biological tank that I am. This may very well be the straw[berry] that breaks this crab‘s back.”

Sadly, the newly discovered anonymous crab was found dead shortly after this interview under suspicious circumstances. Although tight-lipped about the ongoing investigation, authorities have confirmed that they believe the death to be a case of mistaken identity and have released this sketch of a person of interest: