Like Liam, Ted Also Encounters Disturbingly Innacurate Age Profiling

This morning I was minding my own business when I heard a knock at the door. It being before noon, and Paul Nellis being at work, I was still in my sleepwear and not expecting any visitors. Alas, when the door is knocked upon it must not go unanswered, so I answered it. It was a package. UPS. A gentleman, in UPS uniform, carrying a package, a rather large one in fact. Before I could utter a pleasant salutation or think of a witty pop-culture reference, the man pushed the box toward me and just before making a ninja-like departure he spoke these words "be careful, you're going to need two hands for that one, kiddo."

...

I am almost 25 years old, ever-approaching that very monumental nexus that connects young adulthood with gerontology. I have poor hearing, a beard, and hair on my back that has, many years ago, passed the "sprouting" period. I am a grown ass man. I have ventured into the proverbial forest and re-emerged with the skin of a bear and the head of a lion. I am not a baby, I am not a "kiddo."

I mean seriously, do "kiddos" have toenails as thick as Plexiglas? Do "youngin's" have receding hairlines? Do babies have BEARDS?!?! I don't think so. Or at least I didn't think so until I saw this baby...


And then was further discredited (and confused and disturbed) after visiting this web-site: Babies With Beards.

So, I want to take a moment to humbly apologize to the UPS man who came to my door earlier today, for perhaps he is struggling to cope with the burden of caring for a bearded infant. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family, Mr. UPS.

Luckily, the box he delivered was full of frozen meat, so I will be able to cope with my blind unadulterated-heartlessness, by eating my feelings, right after this post.