Destination Detox: Prologue

T.R. rips the flesh off of a pig rib in anticipation of the Detox Diet

Part II – Preparations and the Long Road Home

Prior to embarking upon my two week odyssey, I engaged myself in a behavior psychologists call “disinhibited restrained eating” (in layman’s terms, this simply means that knowing I was about to go on this detox diet, I made it my mission to consume as much unhealthy food as possible). As luck would have it, while attending one of several BBQ’s this past weekend, I attempted to explain my gluttonous and grotesque behavior to those in attendance and was reminded that one of my associates present at said BBQ (Mary L.) was a “Dietician in training”. (I also learned that “Dietician” is a legally protected term while “Nutritionist” can be used by any whacko who can fog a mirror, so she’s the real deal). I quickly conscripted her services and she set to work to review the overview of my detox diet, and agreed to advise and consult for the remainder of the experiment. How legit is she, you ask? Mary suggested I get my blood analyzed by a lab for a before and after comparison so that we could have some hard data on the efficacy of the diet. I respectfully declined, however, do to a desire to retain my vital fluids and approximately $140.00 in lab fees, (which I felt would best be put to use buying a really nice bottle of Single Malt Scotch after this ordeal is over). Nonetheless, I have finally done what friends, family and colleagues have been urging me to do for years; I got some professional help.

Now backed by the experience, knowledge and expertise of Mary, I set out to Wegmans in search of healthy detox foods. After concentrating my search in the organic and produce sections, I emerged victorious despite a brief temptation when walking past the meat case when a chorus of bratwurst, burgers and pork butts tried to ensnare me in their Siren call. In consideration for the detox experience and a future trip to meet my adventuring associate Randy (trail name: Snakecharmer) on the Appalachian Trail later this summer, I thought it would be a good idea to walk to Wegmans (1.5 miles) and carry my groceries back under my own steam. After all, this is only a bad idea if one were to buy 80 pounds worth of food, (which I did). Luckily, I had the foresight to bring my back pack, which proved to be invaluable in the transport, but I nonetheless found myself considering what food items were absolutely essential and which I could leave along the sidewalk. In the later stages of the walk home, I also partly wished I would get hit by a car, so at least I could get a ride in an ambulance…Thankfully, no such disaster occurred and I was able to muscle the whole of my bountiful harvest back to Detox Headquarters, where I summarily collapsed.

Sore, with muscle fatigue and a moderate case of lactic acidosis, my thoughts turned to Lewis and Clark, for I imagine they too wanted to stop and return home before their journey had even begun…