Destination Detox: The First in a Multi-part Series

By T.R.
(Resident Toxic Avenger)

Part I – The Decision

Last week, whilst horizontal on my couch and flipping through 900 channels of digital escapism, I happened upon the latter half of Morgan Spurlock’s 2004 Documentary, “Super-size Me”. I had never seen it before, nor have I since seen the film in its entirety, but there is a scene toward the end of the film where Mr. Spurlock’s nutritionist outlines a “Detox Diet” to rid his body of the harmful effects of a month’s worth of McToxins.

It was this scene and a recent conversation with GCI Alum Beki Gibney (where she recounted to me the events following Mookie’s wedding when I basically danced a giant gaping hole into the dance floor at the reception and then proceeded to suck wind and convulse in a horrid fit of coughing befitting one in the later stages of tuberculosis) along with the following modified food pyramid depiction of my own diet (see above) which ultimately prompted me to embark upon a similar “Detox Diet”.

After taking a brief “Toxicity Quiz” online (which I scored an impressive 70%...meaning either I am 70% toxic or there is a 70% need for me to detox, the actual representation of the score was unclear), I took to the internets to learn how to construct a “Detox Diet”. In the interest of brevity, I shall omit the details of my research (a good overview can be found here: The Detox Diet) and get right down to the meat and potatoes (err…flaxseed and kale) of the matter:

DECLARATION OF DETOXIFYING
"Be it hereby duly noted and stated that in deference to the 30% of my body that is apparently healthy, I shall engage myself in the pursuit of a “Detox Diet” for a period of two-weeks, and chart my progress on this blog for the good of the land, the good of the people, and many generations of Toxic Warriors yet to come."

There are some who say that I’m being rash and foolish, but those people don’t know that this past Tuesday I had an ice cream sundae for dinner and then consumed an undisclosed number of beers for dessert. The time is now! I shall purge the toxins from my Earthly frame and reclaim this human husk so that it may be a shining beacon of healthy. I dream a dream of a day when I walk down the street and crowds of well-wishers and lookers-on gather in awestruck wonder and comment in jubilant tone as to just how incredibly non-toxic I am.

The Detox begins Monday, May 14th 2007; 203 years to the day that The Lewis and Clark Expedition departed Camp Dubois to begin their historic journey - so too go I.