By T.R.
(GCI PRESS WRITER)
ROCHESTER, New York (GCI) -- A local man has found unexpected success in the most unlikely of ways; by means of verbal incompetence. While leaving a voicemail for his sister, Irwin Whelpley failed to correctly enunciate classic Spanish dialect in a well-wishing message and instead wished his sibling a “Happy Cinco de May-o”.
“As soon as I said it, I knew it wasn’t right, cuz I heard other people say it different on TV and stuff.”, said Whelpley.
“And then I was like, Cinco de May-o, that’s like a delicious five-mayonnaise blend and that’s when I knew I really had something…ya know?”
Whelpley immediately set to work to develop his new culinary innovation, but was summarily met with a glaring revelation:
“I was like, wait a minute, are there even five different kinds of mayonnaise? I mean, sure there are five different brands, but there are really only two kinds; regular and light.”
Whelpley then turned to the internet for help, and what he discovered there shocked him.
“It wasn’t even invented here! French guys cooked it up!”
Admittedly untrained in culinary arts or any food related field, Whelpley knew he was in over his head and enlisted the help of his friend and neighbor, Bernie Morelan.
“Bernie works the grill at a local diner, plus he eats lots of stuff so I thought he would be a good person to help out with it.”
Three weeks later, the duo had concocted their first batch of “Cinco De MAY-O” and began to market the product to nearby restaurants and supermarkets. Less than a day after the condiment first appeared on local shelves, production was momentarily halted after a cursory inspection from the FDA.
“The government guy said we couldn’t use Bernie’s basement anymore and had to move the business to someplace cleaner, so then we started using the kitchen instead. I didn’t really see what the big deal was, but I think it has to do with the fact that the basement is where Bernie does his laundry. Plus he has chinchillas.”
Recent controversy has risen over the fact that Whelpley and Morelan attribute the bulk of their product research and development to the internet website “Wikipedia”. Sources at Wikipedia confirmed late Monday that the article on mayonnaise has been flagged for “issues of neutrality” and a “lack of academic citation”. Despite the naysayers, the two stand proudly defiant and continue to defend the merits of their creation.
“Just taste it and shut up about it already. It goes great on everything, especially pancakes.”, said Morelan.
For now, the two seem content with maintaining a small, local operation but when asked about the possibility of nationwide distribution, Whelpley responded:
“If people read this and want to try some, we can mail it to them. You can mail all kinds of stuff in boxes, why not Mayonnaise?” --
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